Dr. Gabor MatĂ©: Emotional Loss & Trauma Are the Root Cause of Addiction – Reset.me

Emotional Loss & Trauma Are the Root Cause of Addiction – Reset.me.

On Friday night, I had written a longer blog along with this video. For some reason, it vanished into the recesses of the server cloud at wordpress.com – or I was too drunk at the time to actually hit the “publish” button and closed that text window prior to saving. I don’t think this was actually the case as far as I remember, but maybe this was the universe’s/internet’s funny way of saying that my blog post sucked to begin with… 🙂 So here I am, trying to capture the thoughts and sentiments again that were sparked by this clip. First off, upon watching above linked video, I realized without a shred of a doubt that Dr. MatĂ© is right. What he says about pain and the role it plays in an addict’s life resonates strongly with me. How am I being an addict? Well, I think, I’ve become an addict to food by way of recurring bouts of binge eating accompanied by the “bright” choice of washing said food down with fairly sizable quantities of alcohol. (they feel sizable to me, as my constantly overclocked, overheated, overcharged nervous system – a “gift” from a lifelong existing C-PTSD as I learnt in 2013 – doesn’t require large amounts of any substance to produce even wilder modes of altered consciousness). So in admitting to the fact that I have become addicted to food and quite a bit of alcohol, I just mean to say that I think I get the “addict” part of his monolog here (and since I am aware of the health risks coming from that behavior I think about replacing these choices of self medicating with cannabis, which I believe to go easier on the system according to the research I’ve done on it – and maybe even produce some welcome positive side effects in regards to physical and emotional health). The urge to soothe the pain by overeating and then slipping into a quite comfortable sedation, the latter amplified by alcohol, is a way of using these substances as a pain killer – or to drive out utter depression from sometimes feeling completely void, empty, destroyed inside. At those times, the feeling is that the sentient part of me is irreversibly shattered. (By now, I think I have come to understand this as a false assumption brought on by lingering outcomes of experiences from my early and later past growing up, which seem to have dominated my inner monolog and thought process for … well forever. But realistically speaking, for as long as I can feel anything, if even just for fleeting moments, the sentient part of my being can’t be dead. I try to remind myself of this during times of severe distress serving as an anchor for not losing sight of the goal and perspective).

When I had sat down that night to link to the video and add my personal comments, I had gone through a series of strong, negative emotions that brought me to the brink of completely freaking out with red rage over spending a couple of days at my former home. I say “former home”, because I feel that I have made a new home for myself where I currently live – and I think I did so more or less consciously, because that former home never felt much like a good home to begin with. For reasons too mundane to go into detail about, I had to accept help with money from family in recent years and in order to make it acceptable for me in some way, I tried to talk myself into the idea that this might also be an opportunity to regrow a relationship that has wreaked havoc on my very being from pretty much the get-go. So I guess I’m saying that spending those two, three days there exposed me to XXL-sized triggers, the nature of which I even believe the Buddha to have driven beyond any measure of impulse control, not to mention preserving the “sweet spot” of that heartspace of balanced and centered awareness. Needless to say that I have to make quite the effort to get more control over my life and my actions and decisions again, if I’m not to keep betraying myself completely and thus sabotage any serious attempt at healing the still lingering, deep wounds from the past and their outcomes. But I’m digressing.

Emotional loss and trauma – I think, I can say from plenty of years of personal, felt experience that Dr. MatĂ© nails it here. There were brief moments in my more recent past and in an attempt to heal myself all by myself when I gave myself permission to feel that loss, be with that pain of having lost true connection with my former caretakers from early on, brought on by being seperated from them and then later for all the abuse that went on and prevented me from expressing the true nature of self or even getting seen and maybe even loved for it. Those things definitely didn’t happen in healthy ways and it became never more evident to me than over those recent few days.

I mention these things, because – quite naively – I believed that if I could access this deeply rooted pain over isolation and loss, and feel it and let it come out, a natural consequence would be that I’d thus release that pain from my bodymind. But I now have to admit to myself that this was indeed a short-sighted approach. “No man is an island”, the saying goes and I had to find out that this is true. In order to truly release the still largely unaddressed and unprocessed pain from my earliest days on the planet, someone has to be there with me when I’m with my pain, as MatĂ© points out from his experience as a therapist. Apparently, it doesn’t suffice to just feel that pain and then let it come out (in quite violent emotional break- and meltdowns that sometimes lasted for hours). Apparently, the witnessing part is an important component I had overlooked and which seems necessary to experience some sort of natural bonding that should have happened much earlier and feel a sense of connection with someone in order to truly have a healing effect. And the other aspect I realize about this loss is that the need to fill that void left behind by initial emotional loss doesn’t vanish over time. Time doesn’t heal those deep wounds from the past at all. Only compassion does. At least, I hope so.

I would have preferred to do the healing all by myself. But apparently it doesn’t work that way. In terms of taking pragmatic steps, I am now happy to report that I have contacted researchers conducting clinical trials for MAPS.org and made it on a wait list for another round of phase III clinical trials some time in late 2016/2017. Frankly speaking, I have no idea how to keep going until then. I can only hope that my innate wish to live and become healthy, which has kept me going for 50 years, won’t let me down so close to the actual first-time ever prospect of experiencing a potential true recovery from those deeply engraved wounds from day one… Wish me luck, if so inclined!

At last! GENUINE Hope for a COMPLETE Recovery from PTSD and C-PTSD!

I believe it was Kimberly who first introduced me to Dr. Porgeswork (or Jean, both please forgive me for not being sure in this regard). He had found some very interesting and enlightening correlations between the fear response system in mammals and some aspects of symptoms of (C-) PTSD (I put the “C” in brackets, because the so-called experts aren’t in unison yet as to whether or not the two conditions are related or distinct from each other. For the time being, I’m assuming them to be related, albeit somehow different in their outcomes and hence set of symptoms. In my particular case, I could care less: I’m a victim of both anyway…). And now there are findings on the healing effects of Sudarshan Kriya that – amongst other things – confirm what I’ve been thinking, feeling, saying all along: Anxiety related dis-eases are the natural – and physical – response to extreme experiences! And they can’t be anything else in their physical expression than what the nature of their cause are: The bodily manifestation of a – or many – lethal threat(s)!

But let’s see first:

The Vagus Nerve and the Healing Promise of The Sudarshan Kriya – Waking Times.

Now, after having read the article, I find it appropriate to nurture hope for a complete recovery from the outcomes of lifelong – if not inherited in my case! – post-traumatic stress disorder! (b.t.w. and again: Even the very wording is wrong in my opinion! It is not a dis-order as the physical manifestation to lethal threats has to be drastic in order to provide chances of survival for the individual and ultimately a species! In this sense it is completely in order! Give it a moment of thought, if so inclined…) In particular two phrases had all my attention right away: Breathing as the so far only known “manual override” to otherwise completely automated responses – and thus shut off from cognitive processes! –  from the fear based brain circuits, i.e. the limbic system at large, as well as “recalibrate”. I had had sessions with a therapist about 10 years ago, when my divorce was “in the making”. I gave him a phone call at the peak of my despair in 2009 with one let-down after another by the classic medical/therapeutic system as well as unfortunate constraints in my health insurance policy and asked him point blank, if he could give me a diagnosis in a nutshell. He immediately remembered me and came up with the term PTSD for the first time in my ears and he also mentioned that with traumatic experiences, “the systems snaps into a mode different from normal operation”. Well… mine snapped into this mode probably as early as in the womb, but most definitely – and recordedly so! – a few weeks into my post-natal life. In other words: I never knew what “normal” life feels like for as long as I’ve walked the planet! But I still functioned. I won’t ever even understand my own-damn-self, how I managed…

At last, I had a diagnosis of what had been wrong with me all along. After that, I tried to find everything I could on PTSD and how to treat it. EMDR was being mentioned as rendering spectacular results, but – you might guess it – was not covered by my health insurance. And seeing as I had already gone bankrupt from the outcomes of my condition that rendered me disabled in 2008, I was in no position to cover the expense myself. Between this and getting turned down by the one hospital/research site I put my hopes in as far receiving appropriate/targeted treatment, the past six years were an oddyssee of trying to find help in a beyond-normal healthcare situation. In other words: Not exactly your joyful ride in a theme park… And so I found myself forced to look for options I would be able to put into action largely on my own.

This article offers a very fresh and promising perspective. All the more so, as it seems to imply a potential complete recovery, at least where the symptoms are concerned. Or enough healing to actually consider becoming functional in any given social context again (I do function in known contexts, such as with friends e.g.; but not under stress or pressure or only to minimal levels so any more. I do have new hopes to come around from that given the above). I’ve never asked for anything but that, but the fear based symptoms had taken complete hold of me over the past years.

There is something else, I may not have mentioned before: I also know that I fall into the category of hypersensitive – I prefer the term hypersensory – people according to Elain Aron. “We” feel every external stimulus more profoundly and harder, they also last longer and thus take longer to process. Hence, feeling overwhelmed and stressed out kicks in sooner than with other people. Add this to the C-PTSD – and you have a vague idea of what my life has felt like for most of the time: Like neverending H.E.L.L. on earth, especially with all the added stresses of keeping a modest material existence afloat! But now there is genuine hope. I might actually become well enough to have a life again. And so do you! Keep at it! They’re telling us, it’s worth it! 🙂



P.S. Why do catch phrases like “pull yourself together, man, man up” etc. not work? Find out here.

Most Relaxing Tune Ever Recorded

According to Scientists, This is The Most Relaxing Tune Ever Recorded.

Interesting. It seems to correlate with Dr. Porges‘ findings and ensuing Listening Project he developped following his results. Sounds as if certain sound frequencies were actually apt tools to tone down brain areas responsible for stress responses.

My Christmas Wishlist

Here’s my Christmas wishlist (and no, I’m not kidding): For Christmas I’d like to find

– 1 Mio. tender hugs
– 100.000 hours of considerate, caring conversation with MY longings, dreams, shortcomings, issues and other things of personal relevance as their topic – without having to feel bad about being “selfish”
– a sanctuary I can recede to whenever required or actually: work from
– enough material stability to not have to worry about becoming homeless from one day to the next.

… all that under the xmas tree.

Santa, Baby Jesus, whoever – too much to ask for? The reindeers seemed partial to that list and can give testimonials as to my having been a good boy (for the most part… some exceptions apply, though 🙂 ) 😛 😛

Intuitive Sensitive People & Trauma | Sensitives Inspired Blog with Heidi Sawyer

Another author and her work, who confirms a lot of what I’ve experienced and am experiencing non-stop. However, to me this ‘gift’ now thoroughly feels like a brutal curse, as every single emotion and experience amplifies the outcome – both emotional as well as on the physical level – by a order of 10. The scarce living situation, which unfortunately appears to have become a permanent stalemate I can’t ever break free from again, is not helping any idea of healing or recovering. I’m running out of resources and resilience fast. I’m aware that I’ve been saying this all along and then would trudge on time and again. But yesterday’s phone conversation was devastating. It was confirmed that a return in moderate steps to a self-sustained life will not work in the way that seems even just remotely feasible for me. I feel crushed and given up on by society and the system at large. The message is: We have no need of you staying around any longer…

via Intuitive Sensitive People & Trauma | Sensitives Inspired Blog with Heidi Sawyer.