An Eerie Feeling…(and a STRONG trigger warning)

… starts creeping up my spine stronger and stronger and in the face of some real family drama tragedy. I spare you the details about the family situation, let’s just say that an underlying situation or history of – perceived? real? – abuse seems to get exposed in the light of my parents wanting to craft their last will.

I just get this hunch that maybe, just maybe I’m really unfit to deal with life after all coming from a background of only recently “diagnosed” sensory processing sensitivity coupled with complex post-traumatic stress disorder AND outcomes of shock trauma at infant stages as well! (SPS is often referred to by the rather colloquial, if not outright inaccurate term hypersensitivity, which I find a misleading nomer at the very least).

Maybe, just maybe… after having gotten dealt so many devastating blows right at the core of my very being and after having gone untreated and unsupported with all this for all my life, maybe I have already gone crazy a good while back without noticing and while talking myself into something illusory. On the other hand – I do have PLENTY of impulse control, which I was simply forced to apply in a lof of situations or else… things would have gone from bad to worse in a matter of probably split-seconds (and I do indeed remember a time as a twen and even beyond that, when I did burst out a number of times and becoming at least verbally violent from those outbursts… luckily, not physically…. but that’s not really a good excuse, either. Actually, it’s not an excuse at all). So there are some skills – and resources at that – that I’ve built over the years. But again, on the other hand, I often feel as if I’m about to completely lose it and spiral down a trajectory of excess angst, if not plain horror!. At the very least, I get the feeling that when my hour strikes I’ll have anxiety to the point of really really losing it…. (as a matter of fact, I’m about to lose it from merely thinking of my own mortality and the fact that this is an absolutely non-negotiable and certain outcome…)

As a fairly new quality and one I worked and keep working hard at I think I did manage to acquire some self-soothing skills as well as a burgeoning capability of modulating my often overboarding emotions. But let’s just say that this modulation of strong impulses so far works best for fairly minor, day to day, routine “living along” types of situations. Add a pinch of drama here, a curve ball there, “spice it up” with an inch of adversity and boom: I slide into hysteria from it. (and the latter did happen a lot and for a long time after falling on hard times in 2008 after no longer feeling capable of managing the super hard somatic responses of my system at moments when emotions spiked to the point when I became afraid I’d one day lose control of my basic physical functions… (you know very well, what I’m referring to, I don’t have to spell it out, do I? Naw, didn’t think so, either…). And right there – in the parenthesis – there is another problem: I seem to become very passive-aggressive when being faced with … well, I don’t know, which is it? Fear of being shamed, ridiculed, marginalized? Unseen? I realize that this is also another late outcome of the way I was brought up and the adversity I had to manage then. And maybe, just maybe, my sister went through that same experience – minus the trauma in infancy, as it was the case for me – and came out that person she is today. And what I seem to find there is a lot of dissociating from her true emotions – or somehow “masking” them in order to appear as “strong” and less vulnerable. (But that’s not accurate, I’m afraid, as she did confess to crying a lot as of late and in the face of this family situation).

Well… and now everyone seems to want to confide in me and make me into some mediator of sorts…. Me of all people in the world?!!! What the hell are they thinking? Or smoking?

I think I can guess, what you’ll be thinking as I type this piece up: Get (systemic) family counselling! I know. I’ve pondered the same thing – or am indeed pondering it, as I simply can’t, really can’t bear the thought of the situation remaining the way it presents itsself right now: As a stalemate between two hardheads, each insisting on expecting, in fact demanding the other party to take the iniative and by apologizing to them first. Oh wow… is there anything that can be done at all in this situation…? From a reasonable point of view, I’m afraid this really is a stalemate, isn’t it?

At the very least, it isn’t exactly the best place to start from when trying to find someone who might mediate this….

(Please, absolutely do chime in and toss your 2 cents on the table. Thank you.)

(P.S. What I am fully aware of is the fact that with the gargantuan degree and amounts of adversity I have been facing over the past 12 going on 13 years is that I’ve developed a fairly strong eating disorder. I just don’t know whether it’s of the anorexia nervosa variety (as I not force myself to throw up after a meal) or a binge eating disorder (tends to be the latter when things become emotionally too taxing – which in return means that I have to become aware of my limits and set boundaries way sooner than I have in the past… and not just with family, but particularly there. So that little “bit” I am aware of and know how to address)

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