Self Sabotage – or Self Protection? I’m At A Loss Here

Started to force myself into hanging out with other people again (yeah, call it “auto therapy” – or whatever suits your taste… 😉 ). This after bouts of what I can only describe as paranoia, possibly psychosis, maybe even schizophrenia (minus the voices, though). Get invited to a schoolmate’s birthday thingy. Get to sit at a table with a couple of married girls and one apparently single girl. Get her phone number. Long story short: I’m not in the “friend zone”. What zone I’m in – I am trying to figure out.

However: Whatever I don’t even permit myself to feel… how can this live? I collect “benefits” and they boil down to about 150,- squid a month. I can’t get anywhere, much less go to fun places and not even spend money on drinks, let alone food, let alone gifts or transportation. I am unable to get gifts for the little one. Or come up with the occasional treat to stay “interesting”.

So… help me out here: Is it self sabotage for not giving this a chance? Or self protection? For having gotten broken a myriad of times? Which is it? I get confused. Any hints – feel free to hurl them at me. Thank you.

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2 thoughts on “Self Sabotage – or Self Protection? I’m At A Loss Here

  1. When this was happening with me, my “survival voice” – yes, a voice, said to me “don’t make it real by giving it a name or trying to categorize it”.
    That was of little help overall but one thing beneficial happed. I quit thinking about it obsessively and soon was on my way out of the abyss.
    Don’t know if this means anything to you but I hope whatever happens in the coming days is for YOUR benefit/well being.

    • Thanks, Rex. I’m aware that I have this strong tendency – or actually lifelong practice – of overthinking. I take it to be one of my coping strategies or tactics in order to avoid having to really just trust (which is hard or even impossible with PTSD being at the root of all my “gut level” experiences). But yeah – less overthinking. Why not? I’ve tried the other path just about long enough and it doesn’t seem to have been doing a good or better job in keeping me out of harms way. 😉

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