Started to force myself into hanging out with other people again (yeah, call it “auto therapy” – or whatever suits your taste… 😉 ). This after bouts of what I can only describe as paranoia, possibly psychosis, maybe even schizophrenia (minus the voices, though). Get invited to a schoolmate’s birthday thingy. Get to sit at a table with a couple of married girls and one apparently single girl. Get her phone number. Long story short: I’m not in the “friend zone”. What zone I’m in – I am trying to figure out.
However: Whatever I don’t even permit myself to feel… how can this live? I collect “benefits” and they boil down to about 150,- squid a month. I can’t get anywhere, much less go to fun places and not even spend money on drinks, let alone food, let alone gifts or transportation. I am unable to get gifts for the little one. Or come up with the occasional treat to stay “interesting”.
So… help me out here: Is it self sabotage for not giving this a chance? Or self protection? For having gotten broken a myriad of times? Which is it? I get confused. Any hints – feel free to hurl them at me. Thank you.