I had an insight today, which I believe to be the insight I had needed for a long time (it was in the making, but it only fully presented itsself today): I have been trying to prove myself worthy to my bio folks for all my life. Wow, that’s a humdinger! To think that almost everything I did, at least with regard to my choices of careers and lifestyle, came from a place of meaning to meet their expectations – or what I believed to be their expectations – … just leaves me speechless and my jaw drops from here to Australia…. And in addition to that: What took me so long to see this? Guess, it’s the abandoned child that still craved his heart out to be seen once and for all! Alas – it never happened. Won’t happen. Not in this lifetime (and where I’m concerned, this lifetime is all we got).
So. No more “proving myself” or trying to please. It’s gonna be rough and I have a feeling it is going to involve cutting all ties with them for reasons of mere self protection. I can safely say that I’ve tried everything over no less than 51 years. (Ok, minus the first few, unconscious, non-reflective years maybe, but that still leaves me at 40+ years of trying to get some validation. I think, this is a big enough time window even for the emotionally or otherwise most challenged individual. If it hasn’t happened till now, it never will).
I wish this came with a sensation of great relief… but it feels more like letting go of a love that is not reciprocated, so there’s some sadness involved, some humiliation, anger here and there and some other feelings I don’t wish to revisit. And I think, there I’ve just said it: My love, which was unconditional for the longest time, didn’t get reciprocated in healthy, nurturing ways. So I have no other choice but to turn away and find love in other places and from othet people.
After all this time, I think I can eventually give myself permission to move on and never ever look back again thinking what might have been, if just… it wasn’t what it could have been and unfortunately it never will.
However, fortunately I have found appreciation and even affection in other places and others people. But I must say that I’ve felt lost for so long. I feel the need to share this because I barely made it through these feelings of being lost and the actual experience of being neglected for the person that I really am.
If this resonates with you, I hope you can give yourself permission to let go and move on as well. It sounds so easy. But it’s the hardest thing to do, trust me on that. Nonetheless, it can be done. And if things stand for you like they do for me, I’d even say at some point it must be done – if you want to heal, that is, and if you don’t happen to be a masochist (which most people aren’t, I think). I wish you strength and positive new encounters!