Major Insight

IMG_20160610_202314I had an insight today, which I believe to be the insight I had needed for a long time (it was in the making, but it only fully presented itsself today): I have been trying to prove myself worthy to my bio folks for all my life. Wow, that’s a humdinger! To think that almost everything I did, at least with regard to my choices of careers and lifestyle, came from a place of meaning to meet their expectations – or what I believed to be their expectations – … just leaves me speechless and my jaw drops from here to Australia…. And in addition to that: What took me so long to see this? Guess, it’s the abandoned child that still craved his heart out to be seen once and for all! Alas – it never happened. Won’t happen. Not in this lifetime (and where I’m concerned, this lifetime is all we got).

So. No more “proving myself” or trying to please. It’s gonna be rough and I have a feeling it is going to involve cutting all ties with them for reasons of mere self protection. I can safely say that I’ve tried everything over no less than 51 years. (Ok, minus the first few, unconscious, non-reflective years maybe, but that still leaves me at 40+ years of trying to get some validation. I think, this is a big enough time window even for the emotionally or otherwise most challenged individual. If it hasn’t happened till now, it never will).

I wish this came with a sensation of great relief… but it feels more like letting go of a love that is not reciprocated, so there’s some sadness involved, some humiliation, anger here and there and some other feelings I don’t wish to revisit. And I think, there I’ve just said it: My love, which was unconditional for the longest time, didn’t get reciprocated in healthy, nurturing ways. So I have no other choice but to turn away and find love in other places and from othet people.

After all this time, I think I can eventually give myself permission to move on and never ever look back again thinking what might have been, if just… it wasn’t what it could have been and unfortunately it never will.

However, fortunately I have found appreciation and even affection in other places and others people. But I must say that I’ve felt lost for so long. I feel the need to share this because I barely made it through these feelings of being lost and the actual experience of being neglected for the person that I really am.

If this resonates with you, I hope you can give yourself permission to let go and move on as well. It sounds so easy. But it’s the hardest thing to do, trust me on that. Nonetheless, it can be done. And if things stand for you like they do for me, I’d even say at some point it must be done – if you want to heal, that is, and if you don’t happen to be a masochist (which most people aren’t, I think). I wish you strength and positive new encounters!

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7 thoughts on “Major Insight

  1. Such an important time for you. The power of this experience will help to fortify you as time and new challenges pass. Remember to be compassionate with yourself, these are big moments and we all need to hold these softly. Don’t chastise yourself for the timing. A quote I saw recently was ” when you make a good decision it is always the right time “. Same goes for discoveries. Be well and be safe.

  2. My Dear friend. I am profoundly moved by this admission from you. You described a pain that is so damaging psychically, I am only aware of this trauma through journals. Yours tore at me. It made ME angry to read what you had to deal with.
    It sounds a bit like coming to the threshold of the abyss but chosing to close the door and walk away.
    I’m making an admission: “I can’t even fathom this experience but do know this. You are worthy and serving of love. I love you like the brother I never had. We share a powerful psychic experience. An unjust and heinous trauma. Although each is different, the damage is the same.”It is our time to shine! No matter to what degree, we will be winners for making the effort. For me, something to fight for. Even through shared pain comes promise. Encouragement, hope and I could list a lot but the #1 value is to love and be loved. Love is a rainbow of seemingly endless colour choices and it comes with a wonderful array of aspects. Werner, my Brother, stay close to you first, others later. Rex Le Roi’ Bishop, June 10, Wine Country north of the “Gate” ❤️

    • Thank you, Rex! I very much appreciate your kind words and encouragement! (The funny part is: I had actually already made the decision and taken the step to walk away, but in part and temporarily reversed that course of action due to a series of very unfortunate, pressing events given my current situation and the added adversity it brings. So I talked myself into “trying harder one last time” – to no avail. That’s that now. Thanks, again!)

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