I gotta do this. Other people write last wills. I write this. It’s my first or last will, the choice is no longer up to me (and never has been to begin with).
It’s a rant, so brace yourselves, whoever you are (the ones who read this will get it anyway, I have no doubt).
Enough!!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!! (Not you reading this, but everyone else). While you were unconsciously and most blissfully sucking on your Mommy’s breast, I was poked with needles the size of a straw – IN THE HEAD! And without anesthesia. Twice. Then someone shoved a hose down my nose to force feed me – for weeks on end. (Warning for graphic content! I can’t believe I’m writing this. It’s sort of “normal” for me… FUCK!) Grown men break down over this. I was – two weeks old. And alone. Noone there to cushion that blow. FUCK YOU!!! (Yeah, I know it’s not your fault, but you incessantly hold me to your standards. Fuck you all, still).
I have done my best to overcome it all. Made a life for myself, had a career, wife – almost got me a golden retriever (ok, I made that one up, but – actually, that might have been the more suitable companion for me, like a therapeutic dog the likes of which government pays for if you’re a vet. I’m a vet, too – having fought battles left, right and center for FIFTY FUCKING YEARS! WITH NO HELP AT ALL! Actually – not only no help, but self-righteous bastards like the bulk of them coating their own helplessness with “wisdom”, the kind of which I’d – again – like to introduce to that wooden companion…)
I kept silent. No whining, for – who needs that, right? Fuck you, I’ve understood that lesson from day one. Go fuck yourselves again.
Fast forward fifty years – years of constantly repressing FEAR OF DYING at any moment’s notice (or rather: No notice at all)! Someone turns around quickly towards me? System goes into survival mode. Someone drops the seat in the bathroom at night? I’m torn from my meager slumber for HOURS ON END, hyperventilating!!! And you can’t sleep, because – what? Your car needs maintenance?!!! GO.FUCK.YOURSELF. AND YOUR CAR! AND YOUR DOG AND WIFE AND THE HORSE THAT YOU RODE IN ON!!! GODDAMNED!!!!!
Everything happens for a reason? Well, try to remember that when I beat your face into a pulp with a Louisville slugger. Matter of fact: You wanna start thinking of a good reason NOW, because when the first blow hits you, there ain’t much thinking left in your bulb, rest assured. I can give you one: You’re getting made into a smoothie of blood, bones and tissue for being INSENSITIVE!!! That’s right. Ever heard the expression “adding insult to injury”? Well, that’s YOU! You are adding insult to injury with all your New Age-ish crap you’re relentlessly contaminating the air with! Got it? No? Wait, I’ve got this wonderful wooden tool to drive the message home. Got it now? Nevermind.
I’m done. You’re all one pack of insensitive self-absorbed motherfuckers. And Jesus died for – I don’t know what for. Not you.
Amen. Just go back to birth and don’t come back.
Update: So this was me blowing off steam. Totally unfair and totally out of bounds. And totally needed lest I snap and crack backs in real life or something like it.