“What have they done to you?”, he asked.
“What do you mean – ‘everything’?”, he insisted.
“Everything they shouldn’t have done.”, the other one replied.
“I’m drawing a blank here”, he said.
“As you should”, he replied, wearily.
If I was to write a (semi-fictional) novel about my life and the repercussions it produced, this would be the first paragraph on the first page, I think. It alludes to the (emotional) distance between a person who has had the fortune of incarnating into proper, “normal” circumstances and – me. Or anyone who shares a similar fate. “Fate” – Ok. That sounds like giving in to the victim mentality – which I never have, I dare say. Far from it. I think, I’m safe to say in all modesty that I never failed to rise above the make of my life – time and time again. But – that was never enough. Because people really sense on a gut level, whether or not a person is all like themselves or not. If they’re not, society has a primordial, but very efficient tool: Isolation. And that’s when shit really hits the fan…. I can now attest to this from years and years of either finding myself isolated or isolating myself – as some sort of perverted, not-really-working ‘prevention’ mechanism…
What’s ‘the gap’ then? It is this: How can you possibly get to the place of resonating with people when your entire life’s history reads ‘damage’ from the get-go? When you have experienced situations and things so utterly shocking you down to the core of all that’s human and out of your bootstraps that you can’t even think of a way of relaying it to another person, their willingness to learn it and interest presumed in the first place – none of which are really high en vogue in our societies as it is, b.t.w.? In other words: How can you even draw a roadmap of getting to feel emotions almost anyone else takes for granted and where these emotions are basically all that society revolves around? “Things” like … e.g. falling in love, being happy over little – or not so little – personal accomplishments, the new car, the job, the abode you live in, when… you lack the basic experience of … safely being centered in the here and now in the first place? Confident. Self-assured. Not-questioning-your-damn-self-every-step-of-the-way? “Basic trust”, I think is the technical term for what’s being established in the first weeks or months of a human’s life – and we take it from there with all our aspirations, our dreams, our goals and whatnot. But what if none of those things matter, because a person lacks the very basic experiences anyone takes for granted?
That, I think, is the very nature of “the gap”: “They” never had to be in any of the places I – or anyone with a similar history of C-PTSD – experienced. They – will never understand. Because it takes personal experience with just about any damn matter in order for people to go “I get it.” If they haven’t been there – they won’t understand according to my experience. “We” even have an expression for the nature of this phenomenon of resonance: “I’ve been there, done that.” Well – there you have it! If “they” haven’t been there, let alone “done that” – they won’t get it. Gap. Just like I said.
Is there a way to bridge it? Yes. Acting 24/7. Until you’re caught. Then it’s back to solitary confinement again… Can I get a “hell” from the audience? Thank you. (in all modesty)