Dr. Gabor Maté: “The addictive personality is someone with the sense of deficient emptiness, with the sense of inchoate distress, without the capacity to sooth themselves and regulate themselves without that external source of relief.”
via Isolation Breeds Addiction — Not Drugs – Reset.me. I can’t possibly agree more on everything that’s said in the article and my being in agreement coming from lots of personal, lived-through experience. After much introspection, analyzing, then quietening my mind via meditation, then processing, I found that at the root of my individualized consciousness is the still lingering sense of abandonment I suffered in the very early weeks and months of my life (next to harsh, traumatizing events that my physical body has recorded and keeps replaying over and over to this very day, the process known as “triggering” or triggering situations). The unspoken question “What have I ever done to you” – where “you” is directed at former guardians and people at large – “that I deserve all this bad abuse you’re inflicting on me?” echoes back and forth through my mind. The initial trauma of abandonment coupled with physically intrusive and at times very painful explorations, e.g. two spinal taps in the upper vertebrae area, artificial feeding via a tube shoved down my nose into my stomach for weeks on end, left an emotional imprint that reads “Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this?”, which is followed by a cascade of negative emotions that usually seep out in waves – with some violent bursts – and when they come to a rest leave an abyss of utter isolation, loneliness and despair behind. After the rage, the pain, the tears – a sense of having become “stranded and forgotten in the universe” sets in. I can’t even begin to describe the degree of loneliness that this emotional state brings about (If you needed to know, I think the 2009 movie Moon might give you an idea. But be forewarned!). I really think, it’s the very bottom end of the love-fear spectrum, when all other human emotions seem to get blotted out by a vast sea of fear and despair. I seriously think by now that finding myself in this state is the very place which is being referred to as “hell” or “damnation” in both literature as well as religious and spiritual texts of the various eras of human history. When I’m in this place, it appears as if my consciousness served no other purpose than to experience suffering to the n-th degree. It’s at these time when I wish to extinguish my consciousness the most and it’s at these times that I either ponder suicide or “self medicate” in unfortunate, self-harming ways, i.e. usually by drinking fairly large amounts of alcohol until my consciousness and emotions are dimmed to a fraction of the pain. (Interestingly, though, I’ve experienced some emotional breakdowns – or break “throughs”? – when under the influence, which led me to ponder whether alcohol can also be a catalyst to start emotional healing here and – inspired by a blog post found on Jeff Brown’s wall – there.) And to be honest: I only (or mostly) kept going until now because I have experienced earlier in life that even I can be better than just waking up to another full day of meaningless and infinite suffering. (not to forget the range of physical ailments I have been suffering from throughout my life, like e.g. a hyperuricemia condition that manifests in very painful gout inflammations, allergies, intolerance to certain foods, the list goes on. But the physical thingies are really a very minor nuisance compared to the emotional pain). When I say “even I”, it refers to times when thoughts roam my mind that have me think that I’m damaged beyond any fixing. I’m still not sure as to whether or not the first is true. Anecdotal evidence from psychonauts and fellow earth plane soujourners seems to indicate that e.g. Ayahuasca or MDMA-assisted therapy can break even the worst of persisting trauma inflicted on a given human being. I haven’t gone there just yet for a number of reasons, where possibly the fear of not finding the relief I’m hoping for and thus burning my last chance of ever getting closer to eye’s level with the bulk of humanity is the biggest inhibitor so far (because what is then left to me other than making an effort to accept that I’ll never be really healed…? It’s a very frightening thought as life would then possibly lose all purpose for me and the last layer of protection from actually eliminating myself during another bout of major depression would fall away). The other part are mainly “technical” modalities I can’t seem to get around for now and which presuppose my making yet another gargantuan effort of will power in order to e.g. generate the funds to travel to one of those Ayahuasca retreats or apply for becoming a candidate with a phase III clinical trial on MDMA-assisted therapy. (on the former: If I hadn’t employed massive will power time and again I couldn’t have made it to here. So I guess, I’m veiling a self-supporting message in this double negative…?)
For now, I have decided to make a resolved effort of removing myself from the external isolation I’ve arrived at by way of having lived in a serene, beautiful environment for the past 10 years, but having lost most of my previously working social connections by and large or the former having become reduced to little more than “standby” mode. In other words: I’ve handed in my notice with my landlady and my lease will expire in three months at most. In the meantime, I’ll start packing and I might have to “camp” at my parents’ house, where there is a vacant 1st floor appartment I get to occupy until I have found a suitable place for myself again (when I say “suitable”, I’m referring to noise insulation and shock absorbing materials being used, as too much noise or rather the tangible vibrations resulting from doors slammed shut, things falling down hard etc. trigger flashbacks at such frequency and degree that they’ll amount to torture at some point. A friendly environment with nice neighbours would be beneficial as well).
Ugh. Some people have it easy. I don’t seem to have made that choice when incarnating (just a little facetious twist, don’t get me started on the “soul contract” rubbish… 3:) )