Reality Check (again…)

So here it is: The brutal reality check after having entertained the idea that I had recovered quite a bit. Got an impromptu call to do some recording later this afternoon, did my usual workout on the bike for about two hours, came back, had a – fairly copious – dinner, went to bed by 11 p.m. knowing I’d have to get an early start today. And – have stayed awake more or less all night for it… the apprehension of the pressure I was going to face later today with that recording thing had apparently produced enough apprehension and anxiety as a result that it had me lose almost all sleep tonight. So there it is: Apparently, I can’t deal with spontaneous situations involving some kind of expectation towards my abilities on the other end at all any more… That’s very bad news as it means I will really never work for money in my life again any more…

Frankly speaking, now would be a good time to take my life as the isolation, the shunning for not being able to socialize in a normal manner for lack of money, the incredibly painful emptiness and pointlessness of my existence has worn me thin. I have been fighting so hard to adjust to this situation and make the most of it – and had thought I was ready to sort of come back in baby steps.

What a waste this all is. What a fucking waste of life… (on top of it: Last night, a rerun of “Dirty Dancing” was on TV – and suddenly I had to realize that I have never lived at all…)

I think I’ve burnt my last ember…

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