Down Swing

So I’m on the down swing from the recent hoopla – I had expected this much or anticipated something of the likes. It just hits me how quickly this came and how comparably strong (it cost me   a birthday invitation I have been looking forward to attend for the past weeks). The interesting finding: It isn’t from the stress of preparing on short notice, a bout of stage fright or any such thing per se. It’s from experiencing again, how hard it is to preserve a miniscule share of emotional equilibrium in the face all this chaos that the entire thing was surrounded by (but that is not germaine to this particular situation or industry, I must sadly conclude…). I mean, if there’s chaos inside of me already and then more chaos on the outside – how does even someone without such a condition like C-PTSD hold on to their sanity? I guess, I’m being too hard on myself as usual – it wasn’t just me who thought that things were pretty chaotic. And if there is one thing I have become sort of allergic to – bordering on intolerant – it’s needless drama and chaos. Can’t do either. I mean – not at all!

I’m going to resort to my well proven, well established routine of withdrawal, getting out into the surrounding nature, savoring the last days of summer (which ironically feel like autumn already), ride my bike, sleep in as hard as I possibly can and – pig out and booze out at night…. (the latter is a pest, I’d love to get a grip on that again…).

Really – is life in general really this lonely, this bleek, this boring? Wasn’t there more to it? Am I asking for too much? I get the feeling I did.


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