I’m still doing it: Overcompensating by trying to excel in hopes of finding genuine unconditional love. It’s as efficient as striking a match at a gas station in trying to prevent a fire… But this time – I’m catching the relapse into a pattern on time. I’m not going to continue that behaviour, which reads: Busting my ass on something I don’t enjoy for hope of being appreciated as a person. What happens from that, i.e. when you behave in accommodating ways is this: You get taken advantage of real quick. Which – one might translate into another form of (perpetuated) abuse. In any way: Both, the process and the outcome aren’t healthy. So I’m catching myself this time, intervening on myself in a manner of saying it.
I still hate to see that I fell for the exact self-destructive behaviour I have been employing for decades. Wow. I barely saw this coming…. But now I do. I’d like to think of this as progress. 🙂