So I’m temporarily back in the real world and having a break from my year-round vacation as a pauper: With deadlines, multiple responsibilities, expectations, scrutiny from people I haven’t even met, yet, the whole nine of the workplace. Gah. And my body? Tenses up like it always has with evergrowing anxiety finding its way into my soma. Does that suck? Shit. If only that kind of “suck” found the body parts where that is a mildly pleasant experience.
Ok. This isn’t going to work anymore. I can’t accommodate other people’s needs where they conflict with my own. And that’s the conundrum or rather: Hard choices – I have been experiencing and needing to make throughout the past six, seven going on eight years: Them or me. Isolated or majorly uncomfortable. Wacko and feeling o.k. with myself or – adjusted and feeling all kinds of physical discomfort.
After this deadline – which is on Monday and which will be my way of saying my farewells to the world of music, the world of the “chain gang”, the lifestyle of the West – I’m going to choose: Weird recluse, but feeling healthy and comfortable in his skin. Dirt poor, never getting a break ever again, but: Feeling good about himself, being authentic, being true to myself. Anything else hasn’t worked out, either, anyway….