I had an appointment with an organization this late morning, which may be best described as some kind of lobbying institution for all those, who – like me – have arrived at the lower end of the social totem pole. Disabled, unemployed, living on welfare, mentally or physically challenged or otherwise dealing with circumstances that put them in the “loser” category of society – from a materialist point of view. My plan was to discuss options of seeing some benefits through, I have been denied since needing to depend on welfare some three years ago. I’m going to have to become a member with them for 6,- per month, which is going to be paid for by welfare and then they can try to see to my case.
I also mentioned my impossible situation with outpatient therapy: My health insurance precludes it from the current “package” (and I can’t afford a more comfortable one with greater benefits nor would it be paid for) and I can’t go back to the public health care system given my situation and the fact that I had been self employed before my becoming disabled in 2007. Technically speaking, with whatever productivity is left in me – and until a short while ago, I’d have been fairly positive about that – I could make a limited amount of extra money on top of the benefits I receive. However: From whatever I make, they keep two thirds. And for other reasons I can’t go beyond 450,- per month for now (for now as in: Until I reach a dependable, stable level of productivity which requires me to have some serious therapy first). So whatever I’d make, I’d get to keep roughly 100,- – that is, if I find work. And the list of jobs I think I might be capable for is a very limited one. My point being: I can’t make enough to pay for outpatient treatment myself. 100,- or 120,- doesn’t even buy me two sessions per month – way too few to call it therapy. It’d be more like dating a shrink or something…
So this gentleman at this organization mentioned another part of the law to me, which I had previously never heard of. And he made it sound as if there was an angle, which I could come from and try to operate on my behalf of finding funding for outpatient treatment. I was almost ecstatic from hearing this! And as soon as I got back, I put my behind in front of the computer, quickly researched what he had mentioned and called my case manager right away. It took them a while to find out, what I asked them to check on and when they called me back after like 20 mins., the answer was “no”, this particular section of the law would not apply in my case. Devastating!
I have been trying to get proper help with my condition for the past six years now. First, I had to keep pushing for an accurate diagnosis (that never happened until 2013). But even before that and when being confronted with allusions of me suffering fom (C-) PTSD, I had made quite the effort in educating myself and finding out, what exactly I had to work on and what I had to look for. And then when I became certain that the effects of PTSD where the root of my problems, I had been doing whatever I could to get access to a medical professional being a trauma expert. That was an oddyssee in itsself! Either, the hospitals my health insurance recommended weren’t fit to treat trauma patients or they wouldn’t accept me because of the limitations of my health insurance plan. In one case, they even flat out denied me access and said they wouldn’t treat me based on my history!
I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I am tired of getting doors slammed shut in my face one time after another. This all triggers all the lingering trauma of feeling unwanted, cast aside, disregarded from pretty much the get-go on this planet. I think, I have become embittered. Why fight so hard only to be given a place on this crazy globe inhabited with and goverened by even crazier beings?
As a last resort, I filled out and filed an application for a special fund, who was set up for victims of sexual violence. I’m not sure, whether my two incidents from early childhood will make me eligible for this fund. And the wait is seven to nine months, they told me…
This may not end well. I feel cursed, I’m ashamed of myself, I feel like a burden to myself and everyone. Actually, I’ve been feeling pretty much nothing else for the largest part of my life. And I’m tired of feeling guilty just for being here.