Last Options

As I’ve been discussing my conundrum with my health insurance plan and other holes in the system with a revered friend, I am now arriving at my last lap in this hellish existence that lacks any semblance of the life pretty much everyone else seems to have. This is what I wrote in my reply:

Your words have not too small a devastating effect on me – because I know they are true. “Our parents were liabilities rather than assets. The only good they did was to supply what we needed physically. That, however, could have been done by anyone, even by an orphanage.” I say: Noone should be born to such a life, noone. “You would have been spared so much damage, [my name], if your parents had done their job and had actually been there for you. They would have protected you and cherished you.” Yes. Nothing to add to that. I’m tired of their lifelong lip service in regards to that caring. As I filled out the questionnaire for the clearing office of that special fund for victims of sexual violence and harrassment, I remembered another sexual offender. I reported it at the time (I must have been 3 or 4 years of age). They talked it down like foolish young boys’ folly. They were not there for me then or at any other time, they couldn’t be bothered. Or they were incredibly stupid and emotionally disabled themselves. If so – that should have never been my problem.

I will do, what I have to do to get a whiff of the life I should and could have had. If there are legal means to get compensation for what I was denied (there can’t be any money making up for a life unlived), I will go for every last nickel and dime of it. If not, I’m going to write them a farewell letter that will hopefully send them straight to hell and never release them from there. Two retarded narcissists falling in love and reproducing – there should be a tenfold life sentence including daily torture for that – and it’d still be only a fragment of what they put us through.

This special fund is my last hope. If that falls through, I hope I will still have my car around, I got the hose of the vaccuum cleaner and some strong tape to seal any gaps. I’m going to find me a nice view overlooking one of the lakes around here, I’m going to watch the sunset, wait until it’s dark, then tape that hose to the exhaust pipe and the other end to the rear door.

But between now and that, I’m going to hold on to that brass ring and the love pouring out at me from other, better people than the ones who should have never had me in the first place.

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2 thoughts on “Last Options

  1. Oh, “Late.Shift.” I am so sad that you are at this point of planning because I know what that feel like. I can’t even ask you to please hold on awhile longer if the “compensation” is denied to you. It’s not like you have a treatable case of clinical depression that can be turned around with better (or accessible) medication and/or some talk therapy.. Almost no one seems to get that.

    I get it. We are as much victims of the social/political system in which we live as we are victims/survivors of the perpetrators because there are no safety nets in place for people like us and because what happened to us is still happening to other children today—all around us—with NO (or totally inadequate) safeguards in place for prevention. I know that’s not your problem. I just like to keep my eye (mentally) on ALL the guilty parties involved. The whole system is broken and functions like psychopathic perps. That’s reality. It. Is. Fucked. It should not function this way—whereby those with financial means are able to cobble together a life but those without (who have severe disabilities resulting from criminal activities) simple swallow the kool-aid. “Gee. Sucks to be them”, seems to be the general attitude. It so closely resembles the attitudes of our perpetrators—and THAT FACT is yet another horrifying reality we face every day.

    But. If you REALLY decide to go through with your plan, your car may not cooperate because, according to “Final Exit” (yes, a book I keep at hand), most car models (except for some REALLY old models) have exhaust systems that don’t put out enough carbon monoxide on a full tank to do the job. You practically need a SECOND car with a full tank hooked up and running along side to get enough to do the “job” rather than simply leaving you alive with severe brain damage. Sorry to be the one to tell you this if you haven’t done the research yet. So. I’m suggesting you will need a better plan. Because, ironically, the system will “happily” keep your brain damaged body hooked up to machines for years to come—you know, they wouldn’t want to HARM a human being, of course—and the system will pay beaucoup bucks to keep you locked in prison for “drug crimes” (self medicating, for instance), but they draw the line at using their precious funds to simply give you the decent amount you need to live on to have more than a subsistence existence—and they sure as hell wont give you the money you need for adequate treatment or for “frivolous” Ayahuasca “experiments.” If THOSE are not the same fucking heartless illogical and impaired attitudes of the soul-less perps who committed these acts….I don’t know what else to say.

    Just, please, please, could you at least extend the time limit on your plan if you get turned down? Is there any kind of appeal process? Or could you hold out another 6 months—or even another year—while some of us online try our best to find some potential funding sources? I guess I’m asking you to please know that some people care very much and we are not all like THE SYSTEM of heartlessness. Surely enough of us can put our (admittedly wounded) heads together and come up with a better plan…maybe? I hope the whole issue for you, at least, will be moot. In fact, I pray (to what power I cannot say) that your compensation will be granted. You deserve more time on this planet to share and receive the kind of compassion you have in your heart. ❤

    • Well, thanks for warning me about the consequences of my apparently all ill-conceived exit plan, Ruby! That would have backfired in ways I’d need to make sure it wouldn’t once I’m actually at the point of going about preparations.
      As far as the system and the world we live in is or are concerned, I can only agree 100%. It is mind boggling to think that this is actually the world we live in (at large). If it weren’t for a number of fine persons like yourself that I have come across in between, I guess I’d have lost my mind already.
      In terms of taking specific steps, I’m on top of it and attempting this avenue, which was brought to my attention only recently. I’m going to have to make sure I do everything to play this card right in order to increase my chances of being accepted into this program. Thank you for your very kind and compassionate words, Ruby!

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