As I’ve been discussing my conundrum with my health insurance plan and other holes in the system with a revered friend, I am now arriving at my last lap in this hellish existence that lacks any semblance of the life pretty much everyone else seems to have. This is what I wrote in my reply:
Your words have not too small a devastating effect on me – because I know they are true. “Our parents were liabilities rather than assets. The only good they did was to supply what we needed physically. That, however, could have been done by anyone, even by an orphanage.” I say: Noone should be born to such a life, noone. “You would have been spared so much damage, [my name], if your parents had done their job and had actually been there for you. They would have protected you and cherished you.” Yes. Nothing to add to that. I’m tired of their lifelong lip service in regards to that caring. As I filled out the questionnaire for the clearing office of that special fund for victims of sexual violence and harrassment, I remembered another sexual offender. I reported it at the time (I must have been 3 or 4 years of age). They talked it down like foolish young boys’ folly. They were not there for me then or at any other time, they couldn’t be bothered. Or they were incredibly stupid and emotionally disabled themselves. If so – that should have never been my problem.
I will do, what I have to do to get a whiff of the life I should and could have had. If there are legal means to get compensation for what I was denied (there can’t be any money making up for a life unlived), I will go for every last nickel and dime of it. If not, I’m going to write them a farewell letter that will hopefully send them straight to hell and never release them from there. Two retarded narcissists falling in love and reproducing – there should be a tenfold life sentence including daily torture for that – and it’d still be only a fragment of what they put us through.
This special fund is my last hope. If that falls through, I hope I will still have my car around, I got the hose of the vaccuum cleaner and some strong tape to seal any gaps. I’m going to find me a nice view overlooking one of the lakes around here, I’m going to watch the sunset, wait until it’s dark, then tape that hose to the exhaust pipe and the other end to the rear door.
But between now and that, I’m going to hold on to that brass ring and the love pouring out at me from other, better people than the ones who should have never had me in the first place.