Those of you who were following regularly will have possibly identified the ups and downs, the back and forths – particularly where it relates to just finding a goddamn way of getting the system to actually help me – instead of adding insult to injury or locking doors in front of me! So after years and years of scratching and tearing at the pillars of the system that have shut me out from finding the help I think I might benefit from, in fact after just about four years of more or less ongoing research and fruitless “networking”, finally, eventually – there seems to be a crack in the wall that wasn’t there before!

I’m going to have to do a lot of pondering over the next days or weeks and let today’s information and massive turn of perspective for the better sink in. In particular, I’ll have to figure out for myself, at what risk of a retraumatizing experience I put myself when getting admitted to inpatient treatment. Hospitals are places I associate with lots of pain, despair, hopelessness, basically with a place that equals a slow and painful death. Because that’s what I must have felt in the beginning of my life. And then again later. Those are the experiences that lead to symptoms of post-traumatic stress I’ve been suffering from and trying to deal with for my entire life (I turned 49 this year). It is about the most pressing ones I’d look for getting attenuated. All else – I think, it’s fairly safe to say that I did all the heavy lifting largely by myself – not meaning to degrade the help from friends here and in real life that I also had and am grateful for.

I can tell you this much – and an informed friend pretty much reaffirmed this from her own experiences: The (medical) system becomes your opponent in my country when you really need their help. And it’s getting worse from what I hear. Probably another consequence from the inherent cannibalism in capitalism: If anyone causes too much trouble – as in: expense – the system has its ways of making them go away – literally, physically. I must have a tremendous wish for life to have put up with all the major sticks and stones they threw at me and in my way – U.N.B.E.L.I.E.V.A.B.L.E.!!

Well… weighing options, risks, potential outcomes is on my agenda now. Gotta have to let all of today’s new information sink in. (It’s not that I hadn’t looked for this new information before – it just so happens that only recently some legislation changed that might present an exit from the impossible, gridlock situation I have arrived at). I may still need a tremendous amount of good luck, in particular in meeting the right (medical) people to actually confide in…


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