As I’m back to hitting my head on walls I’ve been trying to break through head-on, sideways, in reverse, walls I’ve tried to mellow down in order to get through, walls left, right and center with the medical system and situation I find myself in, as I’m being taken to all the sore spots in ways I couldn’t have imagined, all the sore spots I’ve been seeking to heal for my entire life, as humiliation and more being victimized and getting sanctioned by those very institutions that dress as helpful ones resume – I feel the rage returning to my system. Rage about having gotten my innocence, my potential, my very soul taken from me from those who were supposed to protect me, take care of me, keep me out of harm’s way. No – instead the put me right at harm’s disposal as early as a few weeks old. Thanks for saddling me with a burden I’m still fucking carrying and dragging along, a burden that makes everything feel as if I was a heavyweight trying to look graceful in a Ballerina’s pair of shoes. Urrrgggh-fucking-urrggghhh!!!!
Here are my options (they’ve been my options eversince I found out what was actually wrong with me – about 6 years ago and just knowing for sure for about one year): Commit to inpatient treatment for no more than 30 days per year. Are they fucking kidding me? I had them mess up my life from the get-go, this shit has been going on for almost 50 years – and they intend to “fix” me in about four weeks? Spells “fraud” in my book. Option No. 2: Stay without treatment whatsoever. Give in to eating and drinking binges, progress to other drugs until my body shuts down from it. Option No. 3: Find a part time job, possibly take the bullying I’ve been seeing for ALL MY FUCKING LIFE, have all the sore spots mercilessly “operated”, hold out for a year without killing myself, someone else or getting fired and try to sign up with the public health care system again. Which means: Having to do without other medication I’ve been depending upon because of pancreas insufficiency. That will bring about symptoms that make it unlikely I’ll be able to hold down whatever shit job I might land – in complete oblivion of what the realistic situation on the job market is, not to mention my age and job cesura of the past seven years. Only then do I get to sign up with public health care again, go through the process of getting sessions with a trauma therapist approved, find a good one, whom I can work with, then almost go back to square one and spend years in therapy, facing and processing all the unprocessed trauma that occcured to me, from that pediatric clinic as a baby boy, that medical trauma and/or NDE at age 4 prior to surgery, all the years of abusive upbringing that had friends not want to pick me up at home any longer, all the bullying in High School and at the workplace later on.
Give me a good reason, why I’m supposed to put myself through that? What for, whom for?
I’m at a loss. I don’t think, I can be blamed for that.