Letting Go and Moving On and All That

As of late, I’ve given myself permission (again :rollseyes:) to let go of any hope that I’ll get to find validation from bio family, let alone make good on it – ideally mutually and thus process our collective trauma – because I’m pretty sure they have their unprocessed residual trauma content. What an idealist fool I keep being over and over…

Anyway, as I read another posting from a friend’s blog, I seem to find that I keep being triggered from hearing about friends’ journeys. And I was triggered (badly) a few weeks ago when hanging out with someone in real life. In other words: I am now faced with the fact that there is a vulnerability in me I can’t do anything about. Not really. I mean, sure, there are all these “wonderful” CBT/DBT derived ideas of making yourself aware that whatever situation triggered my feelings in the present moment has nothing to do with the old, original situation. Are you kidding me? I know that much, thank you! But noone – not that I can remember – has ever told me what the goddamn fuck to do with the pain, with the rage, with being flooded with unpleasant feelings that are an accurate emotional response to what was done to me! If in your present day life, someone treats you poorly, you have a variety of options: You can respond with rhetoric or physical aggression (I advise against the latter, violence never solves anything), derision, sarcasm, genuine humor – there is a number of behaviours you can use in order to address the situation in whatever way suits your temper and personality best. Right? But that old shit – has passed already! I even went back along the path of my emotional and mental memory and allowed all bottled up feelings of abandonment and fear and despair coming from the first to come forward and out of my system. I’ve gone to those painful moments and investigated and actually lived and expressed my feelings – for myself, though, as the involved parties wouldn’t ever join me there, that much I now know for a fact. But that “hole in the middle” as someone called it – is still there. It hasn’t healed or closed up. And it can’t! Because seemingly “irrelevant” day to day situations tear open this old wound that wants nothing more than finally, eventually be left alone! (True healing could only happen, if the perpetrating parties acknowledged my feelings then, which has become utterly clear they will never do – or are simply incapable of meeting me there on account of their own fucked up hearts and minds).

Without much further ado, I’m trying to get to the point, where I’m thinking that going back to being in denial – as a general course of action – was, is and will be my best bet. As far as desensitizing: Other than the fear of being rejected and singled out (abandoned) again, I think I’ve pretty much been exposed to other triggers so frequently that the “hyper-emotional” response got ground down to null or just a mild one, as in: Like other people respond to certain situations, who don’t have to deal with events triggering a cascade of old emotional content surging through the system. Except for this one thing: Fear of abandonment and its adult equivalents, i.e. being bullied, singled out, sent away. That shit seems to be ingrained in my system so deeply that all I can do is not to think about it. And best not get triggered, either.

Which… has me thinking, whether I could make better progress if I stopped journalling and blogging and interacting with similarly affected individuals, so that I may safely go back to being in denial over my past. In other words: I seem to have fared better when simply pretending I didn’t have a residual emotional injury. This worked fairly alright along the lines of being functional. It will never work in a more intimate setting or relationship, which means I’ll have to stay away from that (I pretty much vowed to myself, I’ll never have a romantic relationship ever again after my divorce of exactly 10 years ago.)

“Sometimes, shit is just shit”, said the same friend I quoted above with the “whole in the middle”. And maybe I’m best advised to simply find the acceptance of seeing my past as “shit happened”. And it happens to many people…

I get the feeling I have exhausted my options. (I keep saying that, I know).


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