Via one of my numerous journeys through the world wide web, I came across this:
And it’s of epic significance to me! It is no less than everything I’ve been looking for in order to heal the outcomes of – can I say tragic? – events that happened to me at the very beginning of my life and which traditional forms of therapy or spiritual quest never satisfyingly addressed, let alone provided a plausible perspective for true healing. (and when I say healing, I mean it in such a way that you don’t have to keep revisiting pain from the past and don’t get aroused from unprocessed emotions any longer. I also mean healing through addressing and actually processing unprocessed material rather than discredit it in ways, traditional therapy usually refers to them – in rather helpless ways, if I might add).
For the past 7 going on 8 years and since having become completely unable to function in ways that we’re supposed to function in this Western world, I afforded myself the opportunity to explore those outcomes that had ultimately made into a less than desirable shadow of a person. Needless to say that this came at the price of losing all life savings, professional and the larger part of private networks and relationships, losing status, material and even personal autonomy to the point of having to report myself absent for periods longer than two weeks and at one point coming very close to the point of actually, really ‘losing it’. There is a host of experiences ranging from unpleasant to disconcerting to plain life-threatening that were associated with this process of self-exploration and research. I have made a number of new friends – mostly online – from this process and absorbed all information I thought of as relevant in regard to finding causes and solutions to the outcomes of my situation. If I had to put it in a nutshell, I’d say that after 2007 going forward I found myself ‘stranded in life’. Robbed of my life accomplishments, of health, relationships, confidence, faith, perspective – in short: Everything that should make life worthwhile, right? And I came in very close with the ultimate expression of despair: Suicide. In hindsight, what kept me from actually carrying out this act was the simple fact that I am unable to rule out a form of existance that might go beyond the physical. In other words – and this coming from a place of nihilism predominating my thinking at the time – I can not make 100% sure that by killing my physical body, I will have actually killed all of me! I think, the mere wording of this notion will give you an idea of the amount of despair I found myself ruled by at the time. (And I can’t say that despair to a greater or lesser extent doesn’t still rule much of my waking time…)
And then this. Theohumanity. The “three horrors” referred to in the section behind the link – actually, I found the three horrors in a related blog text – immediately resonated with me! It is these very three horrors that have brought about the worst panic attacks in my life from very early on that you might ever be able to imagine – or not. And I don’t want them to happen to anyone, I can’t even begin to put the depth of horror they inflicted on me in words. I should rather speak of the ultimate terror that those always caused to my system. And nothing, no religion, spiritual concept, therapy or person have ever helped me to overcome or at the very least lessen these three existential horrors. So now there is a handle to moving a roadblock I have been unable to move for as long as I can think.
I’m very excited to learn, what theohumanity is all about and how the process actually works. It’s the proverbial “Godsent” people often mention. Finally! There is real hope to heal and become the authentic self I was meant to be!