If I look at yesterday and today and compare the two, it’s like black and white, with today being all black despite sunny skies and balmy temperatures and yesterday being all white, despite overcast skies and less-than-balmy weather. Yesterday I felt great, alive, appreciated, in short: Like a human being. Today I feel like shit that best be safely and cleanly get disposed of asap. How come?
Substances involved? None, not yesterday, not today. Sufficient amount of physical workout? On neither days, not yesterday and still pending today. What was it? When I get down to it, yesterday was about being validated. In my entirety as a human being, not only the obvious-to-others talents I am said to bring to the table. It was about me for a very rare change. And why is this so important other than placing myself dangerously near a narcissm disorder? Because I don’t feel I have ever had that enough when growing up. In fact, rejection is the common thread that weaves those disconnected days of disorientation, fear, self-loathing and all else together. My life started out with the overwhelming feeling of being rejected. Maybe not in the womb, as both my parents never tire to rub in with me. But not too long after that, when I got sent to a pediatric hospital and endured a situation that can only be coined “quarantine”. It must have been this very experience that instilled this feeling that says “You’re not wanted around them. Better understand it.” I will not go into details, suffice it to say that the situation would have been too much for almost any infant who was unfortunate enough to experience it. (And I keep hearing that many of my generation were subject to something like this). But it went beyond that. Age 4, I get sent away again to undergo surgery that clearly felt life-threatening to me (or rather the precursing preparations), as I gave nurses a run for their money as they pushed me into a chair, meant to restrain me and force a mask on my face covered with a gaze drenched in anesthetic with a strong, borderline nauseating odor to it. Between that and the pediatric hospital, I was also left with grandparents for well over a week, when my parents decided to vacation without me. I felt the full impact of that, although I wouldn’t have had words to express myself then. But my little psyche read this as “They really don’t want you around them”. I’m pretty sure, whatever already frail bond should have gotten established until here, irreversibly broke then or after aforementioned surgery at age 4. In any case – I don’t feel an emotional bond with bio family, never have, even when growing up. There never was an “us” feel to it, always “them vs. me”. The same goes for my sister. In fact, when was born, I asked whether we could return her. Go figure… I read this as a need having gone unsatisfied until then and forever, which must have brought about this weird comment on my part. And today? Complete alienation as I’ve described a few blogs back. Today, I feel closer to almost anyone else, even random encounters, than with bio family.
So validation. I crave it. I need it. Need it as in: Non-negotiably need it. Anyone does. And many people were lucky enough to have literally absorbed that with breast feeding. Getting validated for who I am makes the difference between a good day and a bad day. And makes me a dependent sorry ass of a being, who can’t seem to come to terms with his utter solitude.
I listened to the shocking story of a young Iraq war veteran today, who took his life over the fact that he didn’t seem able to overcome the realization of his part in helping the evil powers that be in the Western world (the U.S. headlining that, to be followed by the major English speaking countries, but Europe as well, of course, including my country). I feel him. I can say that without sounding overbearing, because I know the solitude of having to deal with something not too many people will have heard of, let alone understand it. Unfortunately, I really think he has done the only right thing left to him in order to preserve a shred of integrity with his own beliefs prior to the horrible events he must have witnessed. I bow in awe over his courage to go down this path fully consciously. May the ancestors and an entire army of angels welcome him with open arms on the other side …
P.S. I lost a battle with a binge eating urge over this… 😦