So, I’ve learnt (again) that next to my C-PTSD, I’m apparently an empath. (Yeah, right – as if I absolutely needed things to be any harder than they already are and have been…). It should explain, why I’ve been so tirelessly and desperately trying to ameliorate the poor relationship with bio family. It also seems to be the place, where my attempts in practicing forgiveness comes from. But that’s a tangent I’m going off on… and I will stop being an empath or if so, then use the gift to my advantage. I’m about to cross over to the dark side as I’m fed up with being beaten down, getting burned, taken advantage of, singled out, isolated and all that to the point, where all I can think of is to kill myself! That shit is over! I’m going to have my piece of this fucked up pie they call human life! (In case you wonder about this angry approach: I have no other choice!!! The system in place in my country really doesn’t offer the help I would need and potentially benefit from. I have been investigating this for the past four years!!! The options I found aren’t selling me over enough and coming from previous negative experiences with the system, I simply don’t trust the medical folks any more in being a real help with my deeply rooted issues! I must do it on my own, or else there won’t be any change any more…) And this all the more so, as last night I yet again received a potentially life-changing offer to perform my music in the U.S., this coming from a booking and artist relation management agency that sounds, looks and feels legit. Urrrggghh…, I’m getting tired of having to turn down one opportunity after another. Why would I?
But before I can think of actually responding to something like this, next to getting back to a musical grind, I must think of a plan of how to best conceal some of my issues or blend them with the very real challenges I am going to face before setting out to coming back to playing music live and as often and as much as possible. I think I’m really safe to say that I have my emotional issues largely in check – except for situations that have the capacity to turn romantic. I’m going to have to find a good excuse that will avert any potentially interested person (not meaning to blow my own horn in a bout of narcissism, it happened before, it might happen again, where I can’t have that happen, with the stress being on never, ever, can not happen!) Some of these “special needs” issues to manage and keep in check include:
- Existing food allergies and nutrition, where some foods equal poison to my system with equally devastating effects as far as my being functional is concerned. Example: Even microscopic amounts of dairy in the form of processed food ingredients halt my abdominal tract for three days. I mean HALT it! You don’t want to hear about the outcomes of that, much less have to be near to experience them. I don’t, either… and I’m glad I found a good doctor to help me remove those terrible physical effects by telling me that my system was incompatible with dairy. I only learnt after having been living with those terrible physical side effects for no less than 42 years… Life would have been totally different for me, had I only known sooner.
- Sleep. That’s a biggie! How can I relax enough and to the point, where I can find at least a few hours of good sleep every night in a situation, where even healthier artists report getting little to no sleep? Or can I trust my system to self-regulate enough, where I won’t collapse from fatigue?
- A need for at least brief moments of retreat, reclusion, quietude – like a temporary sanctuary, where I can have a few minutes every day in order to go to that inner source of power and connect with it enough to recharge the batteries? That’s a tough one, too, when you know, you’ll be surrounded by people almost 24/7 while being on the road.
- Working out. In order for my system to be well-balanced and remaining able to muster the energy it takes to give a lively performance, where I’ll also appear as if I enjoyed myself, I’m going to have a minimal amount of a daily workout routine. I do three sets of push-ups and squats every morning, so these shouldn’t be a problem, once I desensitize myself to eager eyes and annoying commentary in case of travelling on a tour bus (which I think I can do). But things I’ve come to enjoy and almost need for myself, like my near daily bike ride of about 15-18 miles, doing a thorough lap of swimming (about half a mile, if possible) will be a lot harder, if not impossible to replace. There may be hotel pools in some places, but am I going to have enough room to really do some serious swim practice? Will they be built large enough for that? Am I going to get to use them at times, when they are less frequented? That will have to be a case-by-case endeavour, which cuts into the overall energy required for being a people person in general. This might remain a problem, possibly an insoluble one.
- And then the list of standard/routine things to be taken care of outside of my special needs list, of course. Like practicing, staying in touch with management and other vital contacts, interfacing with other artists, fans, promoters, radio hosts….
I make it sound as if I was already there, when I’m not. But it doesn’t take all that much imagination to make myself of the reality of life on the road, although I’ve never experienced it on that level of artistry and management. Like I alluded to in the beginning, affording myself to even think of something like this – which in itsself will likely sound overbearing to some ears – comes from yet another time, when I was offered to work with artist management on behalf of performing in the U.S. This time, the offer came from an apparently well-established firm, who have been working with artists I’ve been admiring for the longest time! Actually, they have worked and do work with artists, who have been a major influence! If they think I belong there, who was I to say I don’t? On the other hand, I’m not naive and realistic enough to know the personal as well as beyond-personal, professional challenges in that walk of life, where in regards to the latter I definitely fall short of some at this point. I could get by, but I am no longer willing or ready to settle for any form of getting by. All or nothing at all! How much of that approach is due to internalized expectations of formative figures or my very own nature, I can’t say any longer. And I frankly don’t care to analyze or explain. All I know is that doing things in a half-assed way simply doesn’t work for me. I need to explore the limits of pretty much everything or else it’s not worthwhile being explored at all. I guess, it’s my very exhausting and peculiar approach of coping to rise above someone else’s ideas of me in my former life. Or something like that. Be that as it may – the list of things to manage stands. And has to be worked through, one by one, if I’m to be serious about this. And I plan to…