Ha…. on a side note: The last two blog entries’ headlines have a lot of initial B’s in them, lol (bending or breaking, bouncing back,… ;)).
Anyway: So… the roadblock is a roadblock for so long as I acknowledge it for that. In other words and greater detail: Yesterday, devastation ruled again – and I’m acutely and painfully aware that it will always catch up to me in certain intervals or with certain trigger situations happening in my life. I laid out how there is this hole in my emotional being from vital needs not being met throughout my rearing, not just in the beginning. I seem to have finally realized and recognized that this has to do with my parents’ own shortcomings in dealing with complex emotional issues in a mature, communicative, mindful way – or rather their inability to deal with them in a manner that’s called empathy, emotional intelligence and whatnot at all. They are emotionally challenged themselves and whenever I had a need to process or discuss something I felt overwhelmed with, they fell short of even the faintest trace of knowing how to go about this. I spare you and me the countless examples that would illustrate it. Suffice it to say that the past two weeks that I stayed at their place rubbed this – previously attained – knowledge in with a vengeance to the point of my breaking down.
But I bounce back. It’s what I was forced to learn in order to survive when being left alone in a devastated frame of mind and heart, time and time and time again. The proverbial “dusting yourself off and getting back in the saddle” – I think I’m safe to say that I’ve thoroughly obtained that survival skill. Or else, I simply wouldn’t be here any more. My point – alas, finally! – being: I can recognize all that, I can see it, understand it, even muster a share of compassion. But who said I was to like them? I don’t. We don’t have a true, meaningful emotional connection and we never will. It is simply impossible. We’re like a radio and receiver being tuned to different frequencies (according to some new, esoterics-informed teachings even literally…). Hence: There can’t be a broadcast and static-free transmission. And I’ve become tired and fed up with moving the receiver in a most futile attempt to adjust its position for a stronger signal.
So, what next? I am going to finally liberate myself from trying. I am going to understand that their journey got them as far as where they are. They’ve done enough – and so have I. I’m grateful for what I received through them, but I’m not going to keep self-flagellating like I’ve been doing for the past 40-something years. (I should print this and stick it to my fridge so I won’t forget…). I am finally – big sigh of relief – drawing the line. From where I’m standing, it might equal a poor squiggle for now, but the line will eventually become stronger again. I will have faith in myself, in the coping techniques I’ve found for myself and largely by myself and I’m going to draw the line with other people sooner and more readily than I have in the past. All this taken together should get me by. And on this note: I’m going to settle for getting by, hopefully more conveniently again at some point. After all, wishful thinking doesn’t do the job. The reality check worked.
Random side note: I’ve treated myself to a little gift: Got rid of my former electric guitar and got me this entry-level, but very solidly manufactured model. I love my new axe!