In recent years, the term “roadblock” repeatedly popped up in conversations I had with a friend. While I intuitively understood that there was one to begin with and while I somehow knew it had largely to do with my relationship with bio family and unmet needs on my part, I was never completely able to identify its exact nature and distinguish the specific part of all parties involved. After having stayed with my immediate family for the past two weeks I think I’m safe to say that I’ve uncovered and dug up every single aspect of my history that is and was relevant to my emotional being and development. I think, I’m now able to pinpoint the exact problem and put it in a nutshell, which is: There is no common basis of communication. We can’t talk. And when I say “can’t talk”, I’m not only referring to them and I coming from different places. I’m also referring to their inability to express themselves verbally. Ok, it’s unfair on my part to say this and take a high ground as they afforded me the education to become better able to say what I feel and say it in such a way that another person is able to follow or understand. They never had much education to begin with, but that’s only one part of the problem. The other part is that they refuse to question – anything, let alone their own actions or behaviours – or simply monitor them for starters… Well… if you have that type of situation, there simply can’t be any communication! It is pointless to try. Apparently, it took me this long to become able to see this in them. And now I do. It naturally follows that there can’t be anything else for me, but to turn my back and walk away. For good. There is nothing to discuss, no chance of ever working on anything and no hope of ever coming close(r). Which is bizarre, because I noticed their caring for me – or rather a version of me – in their own way, but minus the willingness to ever question any of their intentions, actions, behaviours etc. I feel as if I’ve always been meeting them half-way, where they left me hanging with nothing. And they in turn feel, they’ve overextended on supporting me, with me showing little or not enough gratitude and acknowledgement of their efforts. However, when I noticed this deadlock, I went beyond the tunnel vision of my own needs and told them to their face that I am aware of what they’ve been doing for me and kept doing, when I asked for help! I did acknowledge them! I don’t feel that they’ve done the same for me. Maybe it’s a language problem. But I don’t think so. I could be wrong, but you know what? I shouldn’t have to care. At one point, I would have needed for them to make everything about me and put themselves second, third, last – if only for a moment.
That moment never came. It is not going to come. It’s impossible for it to come. It would be easier to untangle a paradox than “produce” this experience.
So I have to stop killing myself over trying to manifest this. It is not going to happen. If I want to be whole, I need to find a way of making myself whole from within – and by myself only (at least in the beginning). I have to find a way of closing that “hole in my soul” as I keep calling it. I’m not sure, whether I’ll succeed in doing so all on my own. Probably not. But be that as it may – there won’t be a solution to my yearning other than in looking for it in other places and trying to remain hopeful. Can I go back to birth and try again, please…?