So following yesterday’s experience together with a couple more since 2008, I’m realizing that I can’t go back to music, not as a band member or regular musician anyway. And I’m not comfortable playing all by myself in a singer-/songwriter kind of way, so that’s not an option, either. Music for film and advertising? Yeah, why not place myself at a gas station and offer blow jobs to overweight truckers? Forget it.
Ever since meaning to come back to something that has worked out fairly well for me in earlier life, I had noticed all along that things felt very different from before. It took me a while – until today, I guess – to figure out that I’m simply not the same person any longer. Or more accurately: I never was the person then I thought I was to begin with. I think, it is from overcompensating or false coping that I had become so passionate about music in the first place. It’s even possible I had gone into it from a place of boredom and isolation – much like today, but not being aware that the entire “habitat” wasn’t my cup of tea to begin with. I guess, I didn’t question as much when I was younger and was simply happy to belong to some group or posse again. And in all honesty – it’s what I’m suffering from the most today: To not belong any more, to not be a part of anything and find myself isolated from the grander scheme of things (if there was such a thing any longer to begin with. It appears, there’s only the old chaingang and the shouting of the whipper-in at the workplace and then distractions of all kinds for the meager spare time in between). I’m aware that this will sound snobbish, but I don’t think the music arena is good association for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some great people there and the other night, it felt like time travelling back to earlier years – when things were difficult, too, but I didn’t seem to question – or openly hate – myself as much as I seem to do today and thus life felt better. It seems, I can’t even make things right for myself. Nothing. Be it the living situation or what I occupy myself with. The number of available options has lessened to an ever decreasing extent over the past years. I got cornered in more and more. Now I’m finding that music is not an option any longer and hanging out on the social media might be next. After all, I don’t seem to have much in common any more with most people. Additions to the family, their latest acquisitions, worries about money, reservations for vacations to be made – I couldn’t care any less, as none of these things are part of my life any longer or are likely to ever become a part of mine again.
Now what? I seem to find myself in that place over and over again. I just don’t see any perspective any longer – and that’s a situation that keeps triggering feelings of being overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and feelings of helplessness and despair. It’s getting retraumatized all over and non-stop as of late. It’s the of-all-things worst case scenario for someone trying to cope with complex post-traumatic stress disorder going back to pretty much all forms of trauma there were (minus sexual abuse). I won’t lie: It’s a hellish experience and as of late I can’t even manage to escape it for at least a few hours any more. I need medication badly… and someone to help me get it for me. For again, I seem to have reached the end of my rope – and the latter happens in ever shortening periods of time. Wish me luck.