Death By Fear – Waking Times : Waking Times

A much welcome reminder to staying on the path I seem to have reembarked on after coming back from surgery at the hospital. “Reembarking” is only partially accurate, as I am not the same person as I used to be some 25 years ago. But the angle is similar. And that angle is beautifully described here and the headline pinpoints that very place to operate from. Scary, but promising and potentially rewarding beyond measure and imagination.

Death By Fear – Waking Times : Waking Times.

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2 thoughts on “Death By Fear – Waking Times : Waking Times

  1. You and Kimberly and I seem to have been involved in a group conversation recently. I’m finding this to be very supportive. Each of us is in a different place, yet we are all engaged in the same process. I’d like to relate my most recent experience of Monday, June 17th.

    I don’t know if you find this true, but each time I believe the end is in sight, something happens that says to me, “No, you still have a little way to go yet.” Mondays I have an EMDR session, and I said to my therapist this last Monday that I felt I’d soon be finished and ready to relocate to a small town. We talked a while, and then I asked if we could “review” the scenes I had worked on in EMDR to see if my distress level had remained as low as it was previously. MY therapist thought this was a good idea, so we began with the scene in the living room of the neighbor woman, the seemingly least distressing experience I had that was connected with the sexual abuse I experienced at age 4.

    As I reviewed, and as my therapist tapped back and forth on my knees–the form of bilateral stimulation we chose for EMDR–I remembered sitting on the couch with the woman, and I remembered being “frozen,” unable to run from her. I’d remembered that previously and had worked on it. But then I remembered numbing out, the delicious sense of having no feelings at all–no fear, no anxiety, no anything–just a feeling of stillness, of being numb to everything. And then I remembered liking that numbness, and I remembered that I got to be good at being numb, an expert at age four! Age four? Yes, age four!

    Then, after I had remembered all that, and when I realized I needed to return to the present, I got stuck between “then” and “now.” That was scary! With the help of my therapist, I managed to get myself back to “now,” but it took some doing. These past few days, I think I have been wandering around still partially stuck in between the two times, but I’ve managed. I can sense my brain adapting or adjusting, and maybe what I’ve been feeling is just that. I see my therapist today, so I’ll tell her, and we’ll probably do something about that. But the numbing at age four–that’s a heavy one! And I just barely began to remember not just the numbing but also the process of slipping out of my body, my mind going elsewhere in that old lady’s living room. I didn’t/don’t want to think about that outside my therapy session because I need the sense of safety I have when I’m in her office. Soon, though.

    When I remembered the numbing, and afterward, I asked myself, “What justice is there for a four-year-old who has been forced to go numb because an adult is molesting her?” I can’t really answer that question at the moment. It’s just too heavy. But I will be able to answer it someday.

    Right now, the only answer I can touch on that is anywhere near being realistic is this: The best revenge is leading the life you want, the life that holds the highest possibility for happiness and self-actualization. It seems to me that from our recent conversations I catch glimmers of this in each of us. Way to go! ; )

    • Thanks for sharing your latest experience, Jean. It provides me with important hints as to what I still have left to look at and work on.

      After a long hiatus of several years, I had another session with the hypno therapist, who also knows a LITTLE EMDR, but specializes in other fields. We’ll be working on the dissociated parts of my early being soon. But I’m not even sure, whether these are the things that keep me from self-actualization. I get the feeling I have removed all layers of denial, false coping, numbing and so on. I feel closer to my true identity and more authentic than ever. BUT – I don’t get to DO anything worthwhile with myself, not while I’m at “home”, anyway, because I’m so blocked from the proximity of basically sharing the house with my landlady. When I had moved in, I had talked myself into getting an opportunity of maybe making a big leap in better dealing with physical proximity. But in fact, it keeps triggering me in very bad ways to the point of “tensing up” inside and feeling petrified from it. I seem to have exhausted whatever ways I have of reducing the effects of that trigger. It wasn’t so bad until now, when she seems to be home almost every day – and all day, waking me up long before I have rested enough and then pushing all buttons in me by simply being there. I know, how very unamicable this will sound, in particular to people not being familiar with triggers and all. Other than the triggers, I’m unlikely to ever find a better, quieter, almost privileged place to live in again. It’s located in a side street in a quiet residential area with nothing but well to do homeowners left and right. People are kind and friendly – exactly the kind of environment I need other than the triggers. But the triggers – are debilitating. They keep me from being myself and relaxed and then productive and active from that place. It is a terrible predicament. Perfect on one hand and the exact opposite of that on the other.

      I wish I could lower the stress from her proximity in order to really enjoy the otherwise near-perfect housing situation…

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