Yesterday, I expressed my mildly disappointed realization that I may have been exhausting any options available to me all along and throughout my adult life more or less. I just don’t have any drive to keep banging my head against the proverbial wall of the system that doesn’t seem to offer much needed treatment options for me and this due to this dead end street situation I have maneuvered myself into. Today, this phrase is on my mind in crystal clear writing: I am disabled. I am likely to remain disabled for the rest of my life, at least partially so. What’s worse, it’s an invisible disability. People look at me and make all kinds of – usually wrong – assumptions about me. And treat me from that place. Which has led to much bullying in the past. But I’ve already mentioned that a couple of times.
I have always owned my fate, I think. It’s probably, what all other people do as well, all of the time, with or without any additional hardship. So that’s not anything outstanding. However, there is a new concern on my mind, which has to do with the recent NSA/PRSM scandal. In a world, where data accumulated from our digital wake will decide to an ever increasing extent about what options are going to be offered to any given individual – or denied, for that matter… – my chances of finding more or less solid footing are shrinking. Even before the PRSM and the NSA data scandal, I had become somewhat aware of the fact that I’m now “officially” damaged goods on account of my condition and the situation that arose from it. Add the disabling outcomes of C-PTSD to that and it’s more or less a given that I’ll never work in any straight forward 9-to-5 manner again. I think, I have been realistic enough to somehow sense that this wasn’t going to happen for a number of reasons, one being that I had no intention of getting abused in the workplace like I had gotten before anyway. However, to think health insurances, banks, even landlords will get to deny me the basic ingredients of a self-sustained life due to my condition and my more recent history is a very, very disconcerting, daunting outlook. There used to be a time and culture of embracing the less abled in my country. We had awareness and even public programs in place to include people with disabilities and enable them and help them grow to whatever extent possible. It seems that this kind of mindset and culture is going to be a thing of the past, particularly so, if a human being will be reduced to a set of risk analyses and number crunching to assess the best possible outcome in terms of revenue and return on investment. In other words: People are going to become things. I often get the feeling we already are nothing else but consumption units, assigned to the very questionable role of making just enough money so we will consume the resources and goods that are being produced as I type. Once we stop making the money required for consumption, we can either choose to end our lives at our own hand or wait until some unfortunate event or their combined outcomes do away with us. I’m not fantasizing here, independently released, inofficial numbers speak of suicides going into the thousands in my country due to the falling apart of the former social security system and due to targeted bullying carried out by the very agencies supposed to take care of the unemployed and needy…. I might sound dramatic, but from looking at the way things have “evolved”, there’s hardly another way of looking at things.
In other words: I was aware that it might become difficult to find a place in society again. I don’t think I’ve ever expected to get a chance of becoming a full member of society again, that much I had made myself aware of. It’s another thing, though, to understand that my future life will somehow continue to happen on the sidelines. And as I’m writing this, I need to remind myself to stop this thought process right away or else panic will take over. Times have definitely changed and from where I’m sitting, not for the better. The bright side can only be that we never know in advance. That is a blessing indeed.