Moving On

Last week reminded me of something very important, which I had been using to my advantage and healing before: I have the power to rise above my condition. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to look deeply into the roots and causing events in hopes of finding an answer about how to roll back some of the most disturbing, discomforting, pressing outcomes, the likes of which include such things as latent anxiety, which has cumulated into bad panic attacks at ever increasing pace and degree in recent years. In addition to that, the material situation that manifested from the condition caused more retraumatization, which is best described by “every nightmare coming true”. I think, I have been in places, which – other than physical death or living in the streets – couldn’t have become a whole lot worse than they were. But the worst is behind me. And last week’s experience, where I overcame the fear of going into hospital and where the hospital situation itsself is a major trigger, turned into a personal triumph of sorts: I did it! I went in and got it done! It’d be too much to say that I’m proud of myself, but I’m fairly contended. Like I said: It’s a reminder of the fact that I have choices I can choose from. One choice being to allow anxiety to rule me, another one to keep investigating and exploring ways of managing that anxiety better than to just let it control me and my life. In short: Analysis and introspection is a wrap, I don’t expect anyone filling me in on anything I haven’t found out myself so far and more importantly: I don’t need to know any longer. From last week’s experience, I have decided to reclaim my life and move on!

However, it would be naive to just shut the door on the past and talk myself into believing that nothing is wrong. Or is it? Actually… it is beginning to look as if this was the EXACT way of alleviating the outcomes of my manifold early trauma: To really and literally talk myself into feeling something new! I just received this tipp from a trusted friend about an auto-suggestive method of repeating a reaffirming, anti-anxiety mantra 21 times each day for 21 days – at morning and night. The mantra should be the closest approximation of the exact opposite of my feelings of anxiety. Through another friend, I found this:

daily mantra

I am safe in the universe and all life loves and supports me.

Yeah – just what I had been missing from days 10 through 60 of my life. The feeling of being cared for, nurtured (literally as well as emotionally) and protected was replaced by feelings of utter solitude and fear accompanied by experiences of getting hurt and attacked by complete strangers in ways unfathomable to a baby boy of only 10 days of age. In other words: I must have gone from feelings of being welcome into this world to the exact opposite of that. And the latter feelings seem to have stuck throughout all of my life of 48 years so far.

So, this will be a part of my daily routine from now on: I’m going to speak this phrase aloud to myself for 21 times when waking up. And I’m going to speak it aloud prior to falling asleep another 21 times – both for 21 straight days. The idea is to plant a new pattern into the neurological pathways of the brain – by the simple, but reportedly effective way of repeating an “order” to the brain! Ain’t that something? Ok, I realize I’m getting ahead of myself again, LOL. But I’ll give it a serious try. I got nothing to lose as it is and at the worst, I lost a couple of minutes each day for 21 days. But hopefully – something will come from it. There is lots of evidence about these things to actually work and leave lasting improvement with chronic conditions of the kind discussed here and on related blogs and sources. Here’s to the power of the mind, neuroplasticity and all those good things! 😉

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