Wow. I just seem to have realized, how two little experiences – one yesterday, one today – have set off major triggers again. This is amazing, but not in a good way. Every time I begin to flatter myself into thinking I was making progress, something like this happens and I’m right at square one again. Or so it feels. When thinking of the two little incidents that have set off those triggers, I can’t help but think of myself as being allergic to life, to people in general. Of course, that’s not true, I know that. But the helplessness of seeing an unprocessed emotion taking complete control of me and finding myself consumed with a feeling that is in total disproportion of the actual incident that triggered it is astounding. (Again, not in a good way). It’s a totally disabling situation.
On the bright side, I’m happy to see that in both cases, I wouldn’t allow for those bad emotions to thwart the plans I had made for the day. In particular yesterday, I simply decided to ‘rise above’ my actual feelings and go about the plans I had made for myself, which were seeing a friend and helping him with some semi-creative work in his music studio. That felt good. It felt good to see my technical skills be of use to someone, feeling needed, appreciated, welcome. That actually felt like the proverbial sip of water to a dehydrated man who’s at peril of dying from thirst. I don’t think that my needs are excessive – just a little bit of appreciation, respect, kindness and I’m good. No wait – I experience those things and I feel great, not just good! Which has me wonder: Are the outcomes of past abuse and neglect still so pronounced that I should exhilirate over the kind of treatment most people will consider to be the “mandatory” minimum when interacting with other people? I almost think that this is the case.
On the other hand, I’m no longer the obedient, submissive fool I was made into. I noticed that about myself when joining my composer friend in seeing his wife in concert. It was your typical weekend public socializing situation and not only did I enjoy the concert to the hilt, I enjoyed myself and the company I was in – and noticed a minor change in my behaviour, which veers off the previous impressionable dork I must have come across as and moves towards more self-confidence and authenticity, despite my devastating, completely ‘loserish’ material situation. I don’t seem to buy into feelings of guilt that easily any more. In fact, I wouldn’t know what exactly I should feel guilty about. I’m sure, I made and make mistakes, like we all do. I’m sure, I’ve hurt other people without even being aware of it. And I know for a fact that I had my share of bad days, whereby I become hard to get along with. All of that, yes. But wtf – isn’t this what being human is like? Have I ever consciously, intentionally taken out my personal problems on anyone? No, I haven’t! So what exactly am I supposed to feel guilty for?
So triggers. What about them? They suck. Or rather: It sucks to see they should still have so much power over me. I thought, I had moved way on. Or even beyond them in some cases. Apparently not. This is one hell of a frustrating, frustrating borderline pointless process. Life – if it weren’t for those select few and very special serene moments at the lake or when looking into the night sky or when listening to the birds or the frogs or seeing the flowers right outside my living room French windows…, if it weren’t for those things, I couldn’t help but think that this is all just a cruel joke of nature….