For the past few years and in addition to my research into understanding my own condition of c-ptsd better (I have a written diagnosis now, alas and eventually!) I became very interested in accounts of near death experiences with particular regard to scientific approaches of analyzing and explaining them. Before resorting to the more promising aspects of this phenomenon, however, I underwent a rather traumatizing experience in 2009, whereupon reading an article, which dismissed the notion of afterlife or the validity of any of the anectodotal accounts of near death experiences – they range in the thousands by now -, disturbed me to the point of suffering the worst panic attack of my life so far, which woke me up an hour after having fallen asleep and upon trying to fight the panic had me black out on the floor so hard, I suffered a gaping chin laceration and had to be taken to the nearest ER. The entire time during which I hyperventilated from panicking – 90 mins. in total, if not two hours -, I felt this very disturbing sensation of ‘going crazy’ or my reason getting ‘cancelled out’ at any moment. In fact, I felt that hanging on to whatever mundane thought I was able to conjure up was my only lifeline prior to ‘tipping over’ for good and being swallowed up by an infinite black abyss of nothingness. A very unpleasant experience to say the least.
I was advised to seek psychological help in its aftermath and seeing the frail, somewhat emotionally regressed condition I was in following the rather trivial first response mini surgery. I turned it down and sought to rely on my own intellect and self healing powers instead. I told myself that intuition would guide me towards appropriate and helping/healing sources on the web and people to overcome this. I’m not sure any more, to what extent the process still goes on or is about to be completed. But – and lacking a good segue here – it wasn’t until a few days ago that my subconscious washed up the experience of the meaningless void as described on page 130 of this book and in above mentioned article and that I have experienced it myself. The only thing that I’m not all sure about is where to place it in my personal history. There are two ‘candidates’: My first weeks and months at a pediatric clinic, where I might have experienced temporary failing of vital symptoms, of which we have no personal accounts or records, so it remains pure speculation. Or – which is the other candidate and it’s documented and a lot more likely – during my short hospital stay when undergoing tonsillectomy and getting narcotized using nitrious oxide. In fact, according to Science and the Near Death Experience, use of nitrious oxide is typical of this type of experience, where life as we knew it prior to the experience is suddenly removed and being set in perspective as a mere illusion that never truly existed. While spiritual beliefs claim exactly that, i.e. life basically being an illusion that plays out like a movie where we, the conscious beings, are rolled into all, writer, director and main actor in our personal movie, I can’t help but wonder, where the compassion is with that assessment. I’m digressing now, but let me just say that I can’t think of any place or form of consciousness that is ridden with more solitude, utter despair and heartwrenching indifference than the one, where you are alone with everything that actually never was and never will be. In other words: There is just you, this tiny spark of consciousness, confined to the tiniest imaginable ‘singularity’ – no space, no ‘Godhead’, no ‘source’, no oneness, no nothing. Just you, left alone with a meaningless spark of being aware and more than anything: Left alone with it to deal with. It’s the most condemning form of hell I can think of.
Anyway. It’s another piece of the puzzle in piecing my life back together in an attempt to understand past events and hopefully come out better at the other end of them. In regards to the meaningless void experience, its place is in my hope for it never to occur ever again. I can’t possibly think of a more terrifying experience. (even in typical scenarios of ‘Dante’s Inferno’, you got at least a sense of a better counterpart that exists outside of this perceived hell, whereas here there is nothing else and never was or will be…. Sheesh… No wonder, I haven’t been particularly fond of anything along the lines of religion or spirituality until as of late(r)…)