About that funeral: I guess, I’m kind of satisfied with myself for realizing that compassion had the upper hand yesterday. I was conflicted as to what to do with the grief of those, who had given me grief to chew on for the rest of my days on the planet. How should I respond to that? What would I do? What feelings would govern me on that day and in any particular situation?
I had not exactly been looking forward to this and for reasons beyond the obvious. For reasons of the past inevitably coming into the mix. Or so I thought. Hence, I’m somehow pleased and kind of o.k. with myself to notice that compassion was stronger than any other feeling. Even my own grief wasn’t all that present. I guess, I had previously vowed to myself that I wouldn’t let it show there, that I wouldn’t share my grief. I did my own mourning and passing on ceremony. Several times. I wanted that moment and the associated feelings for myself or rather: I wanted those feelings to be safe and removed from any scrutiny or potential judgement. Or from being joined in. I guess, it’s my Aunt’s parting gift to me that my grief over her loss, but more importantly the joy over the connection we had and felt, somehow protected me from any bad vibes getting in the way in inappropriate or confusing ways.
It wasn’t until yesterday that I noticed the full grandeur of her personality. That kind of hit me. But it also comforted me in being honored that she’d have shared herself in this meaningful and personally significant a way.
I will definitely miss her.