“You’ve got to let go” is a phrase I’ve heard people say to me a million times on almost as many occasions. Letting go of behaviour that doesn’t serve one any more. That’s another thing I often heard. Recently, I realized about myself that I do have the hardest of times with that and that I seem to have a tendency to obsess on attaching – it seems to be my way of false coping with early abandonment. So letting go equals losing my coping technique.
The thing I feel I need to let go of is a futile wish for validation in an area and for a part of my emotional being that has never known anything but neglect growing up and extending into the present time, too. Certain people in my life apparently never knew how to adjust to me as a person, neither then nor today. In fact, they don’t really see, respect or love that particular person in me or if they do, as they claim, they do a lousy job of showing it. But what is my reluctance to simply walk away from that based on?
I was never aware of it until now. I’m still not all sure, but I think it’s to do with the fact that doing so – walking away, drawing a final firm line, breaking up for good – redefines me as an emotional orphan. There is a line in the movie “Into the Wild“, where the voice of the female narrator, who is also Chris’ sister in the movie, goes: “This fact suddenly redefined us as bastard children.” (She refers to the fact that their biological father had remarried without getting a formal divorce from his former wife, whom he also had children with. On a side note: The entire movie is about a personal transformation to the point of rewriting one’s former biography and is a biographic piece about a real person). This one sentence and the rigor that it exudes hit me big time, when giving myself a rerun on watching the movie. A little piece of information changes the entire reality for a whole family from one second to the next! And irreversibly so. I think, coming from this place, it is this very quality of irreversibility that I shied away from so far and somehow sensing that I a) have a hard time of letting go in general and b) that once I make the breach, there won’t ever be a way of undoing it. In other words: There is finality and new facts that can’t be reversed. And what exactly would I let go of? Hope, nothing less than that. I have to let go of the hope that there will ever be a meaningful relationship with those, who have inflicted so much incredible pain on me. Tell me how easy it is to let go of hope…? On the other hand: I’m not really losing anything. That will have to be my affirmation. I am not losing anything, because that which I’ve been looking for, wishing and longing for forever – was never there. But I am. So – I need to make myself aware that I’ve already overcome a loss that shouldn’t have occurred in the first place.
And the other aspect is that I am pretty sure letting go will give me exactly that sense of closure I am craving. It’s only the next best thing, though. It’s not what I’m really craving. It stands for settling, not really for finding a solution to an existing problem. It did and still does drive me crazy! It’s this rift in my identity I’ve been feeling forever. It is the very source of all turmoil and almost literally rips me apart at the seems. It’s the very reason for lifelong torment.
However, I need to do this – and rather sooner than later. For why would I perpetuate a false camouflage for someone else, thus covering up their crass shortcomings and failures?
Whew. It feels like getting ready for a bungee jump without the rope…