Recently, I have very clearly identified that I desperately need to find some form of closure. A lot of energy goes into feeling incomplete, unworthy, inferior. But these feelings aren’t consciously there in the absence of triggers. I may have pushed them back to the subconscious, but living without consciously experiencing the above is bearable.
The worst triggers come from family. So I have pronounced a ban on getting in touch with me again for mere self protection. I needed to, it can’t be any other way. And I think I will need to stick to this from now on. There is simply nothing healthy going on there. The bits and pieces that may be regarded as functional rearing in the past don’t form anything coherent. And they’re surely not enough to rebuild a healthier relationship from them if I’m the only one doing the work. If going back to the bad stuff and processing it doesn’t happen – and it never really did, no matter how hard I tried -, there can be no (healthy) relationship that’s based on anything but fear. It’s that simple. In fact, a relationship based on fear is more like an ongoing Stockholm Syndrome than anything else. So I need to remove those triggers and the persons inflicting them on me – consciously on their part or not, I can’t be bothered.
However, a conversation with a friend tonight made me aware of how I have largely resorted to being and staying in denial with many unprocessed feelings. But the latter could simply be from never “having a chance” of coming across them any more, as I have been holing myself up forever in the past six going on seven years. During that conversation, I came across a number of feelings I’ve been bottling up in the more recent past. Feelings that were brought about through interacting on social media or by talking – or rather not talking to – former friends, either, because they stopped seeing me or vice versa or both. Right now I’m in a place of refusing to get back in the game of life – and any “sub”game at that, be it careerwise, personal life-wise or in any other manner. That’s probably why I have the hardest of times of reconnecting with the music, as I refuse to be a part of anything. The naked truth probably and simply is that I can’t commit to anything any more, where a share of refusing to do so is included. It’s actually both – fear of being singled out and bullied again, like so many times before in my life. When I think about it, dysfunctional relationships in all shapes, sizes and forms were more present in my life than healthy ones. I couldn’t be sure whether I have ever established any healthy form of relationship, romantic or not. I’m leaning towards “never”.
Anyway. It seems I haven’t made any progress. Plus the long winter has brought some seasonal depression back, at a surprising degree. As my last self-assigned task tonight, I have written a rough “trauma graph” of events that I think to have contributed to where I am today. I am scheduled for a consulting appointment at the end of the month, where I hope to take away some advice as to how to further approach all this – that is, if there is any hope that I’ll receive a clear diagnosis first (if there ever was such a thing given the host of comorbidities I have acquired and accumulated). And blogging about this tonight was my ultimate final thing before calling it a day.