Epiphany (?)

I had a conversation tonight that started out somewhat casual and suddenly took a turn for the deeper end. No, it didn’t go deep all the way, but it could easily have. And while I was talking with that nice lady and her friend, who both had come to this open stage night I had decided to go to tonight, I had a sudden, yet far reaching insight: I had been alright about 28 years ago. I must have somehow intuitively managed to do everything right – or as right as possible in terms of recovering from a past that begins to look and feel more and more horrific the harder I think about it. So – I better not. Think about it. Or deal with it much. Which is exactly how I had gone about things at this time 28 years ago and for some years. Until – I strayed from a path I had chosen for myself and yielded some progress and even accomplishments pretty much right away. I left that path from thinking I needed to better and be “reasonable”. Well – reasonable, my ass. Look where being reasonable got me…. And along with that, a heartfelt one finger salute to those whom I thought I needed to make it up to. Make it up for – exactly what? Being myself? Being happy? Finding reward, fulfillment and a nice income on top of it all? Holy crikey, what was I thinking?

And there was this other conversation tonight, prior to the one alluded to above, which also confirmed my conclusion that I have simply mingled with the entirely wrong crowd for the past 28 years or more. I had embarked on a conventional path, obtained a degree while working part time throughout university, went right into a fulltime job after graduating and busted my behind at the grindstone like I thought was the right thing to do. But the main thing was that I had wrongly assumed that by following the ideas others had ingrained in me, I would be happier.

Now – I have very few regrets. Almost none. I like to think that everything is an experience and an opportunity for growth one way or another. There were some chapters in those 28 years I wouldn’t want to have missed. Like meeting and falling in love with my (ex-) wife and moving in together. If I had to name one thing that made all the setbacks, disappointments and all around foul play worthwhile, it would be this: My wife and being married to her. But that’s about it. I can’t see how I had become any stronger or a better person for much of the rest that happened before and after that. As a matter of fact, in the past years after losing almost everything, but sure enough any sense of belonging and personal identity, I often couldn’t help but think that I had been a better person, while I was immersed in the music arena. I usually followed my heart first – and reason only kicked in when absolutely necessary. And despite living from the heart, I don’t think anyone can say that I did a lot of crazy shit for it. OK, truth be told – I did some crazy stuff. And there were a few things I could have done without. There were some not so proud moments. Sure. But bottomline of that might as well be called “live and learn”, you know? Stuff which everybody does, don’t we ?

I have to admit that I had to drag myself away from the couch and computer tonight. I had completed my errands and walk and taken a short little nap. Then it began to snow (it’s still snowing…). Riding downtown meant to put the car battery back in, then do the trip, find parking… well, it just meant going out of my early retirement being-a-ghost ways. But I’m glad I did. I spent a wonderful night among nice people – and I’m soooo much better, when I get to communicate. Jeez, if there’s one thing that turns me into a vegetable, it’s sitting around myself all the time. Typing the equivalent of a small library into the computer and on my various social media walls is not the same thing as enjoying a live band and live people, amongst fellow admirers and music lovers, interspersed with a little chat here and there while enjoying a drink or two. I guess, I’m better when I am around people. The right kind of people.

Isn’t it funny, how seemingly little things mean so much more than what they seem? Hm. I just know, I gotta get out a lot more often than I do. Heck, I rather starve myself to death than go crazy from cabin fever. Right? Right. 🙂

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