Upsides to a Major Depression

Can there be any? Sure! A young German author lady even wrote an entire book about it, subtitle reads “Major Depression is no reason to be sad”. Irony intended, I guess. And today, I found another upside to it myself. Yup! Dental appointments, for example. I mean, o.k., I admit I’m biased here and can’t speak from an objective place as I really like my dentist and get along with him very well. He’s a down to earth, decent, hard working family man, completely devoid of your typical “my house, my car, my boat” kinda attitude. Just down to earth, even giving treatment to the elderly and needy after his regular office hours. A very lovable guy. So I’m biased. But I don’t think, bias taints my good judgement here (if there was any such thing with me in the first place, a reasonable amount of doubt and questioning is totally in order in that regard ;-)). For I got there in the shittiest, most hopeless, frustrated mood one could possibly imagine. Had I acted on how I felt, they’d have taken me to the “asshole gulag” right away, no ifs, whens or buts. We can safely rule out bias today. Which gets me all the more excited about my “finding”: I was completely relaxed in the dentist’s chair! Something that rarely, if ever, happened before! I mean, I’ve become better over the years and went from this paranoid, gagging, gulping, sweating, panting, almost peeing-his-pants sissy to an actual patient the doc can perform on and even talk to while treating me to his skills of getting the brittle frames I have to actually pass for teeth. I even found myself smiling and chuckling over his jokes in the midst of him working on replacing two adjacent caps. When I say, I have become better, I mean to say that I’ve worked on my composure and even applied some autosuggestion and mild meditation prior and during dental treatment to calm myself down and not become paranoid with memories of almost traumatic dentist visits as a child and teenager (I came to hate our dentist, who’d always breathe his strong mouth odor into your face, usually after having enjoyed his post lunch coffee. I swear to God I almost passed out every time another breath would land in my face…) Today, however – I didn’t feel a thing. Yes, of course I got an injection, which knocked the left half of my face out. But even the injection – almost painless. I was so far gone with being depressed, it almost felt as if my consciousness was outside of my body and disconnected from it. Jeez, I was so not in the moment, I literally waited for an OBE to occur any moment! Of course, seeing as my face was literally frozen, I kept talking to a minimum, but when I did talk, it all sounded normal, relaxed and composed. Wow – I felt so cool about myself, LMAO! However, the excitement over this finding didn’t do anything to the “major D” as I call it. It persisted. And I’ve relapsed into my eating disorder as a very desperate means to “fill the void inside” – the gaping abyss of nothingness and disconnect I feel from one day to the next. Nothing can get through to my senses much any more at this time. Had the headphones and iPod on while taking my walk later tonight and a minuscule measure of appreciation returned. But gosh – the passion is gone, killed from excessive exposure – several years by now – to major depression. I’d really be interested to know, if anyone has gone that long previously without medication or treatment of any kind. If not, I should apply for the Guinness Books of Records, shouldn’t I? If that doesn’t work out, I might still write the book “How to lose your fear of dental appointments”. Oh wait. No. I only got one sentence: “Go and get yourself a chronic major depression.” Guess, that book’s sales check won’t be a too fat one, won’t it? 😉 P.S. I never delivered on the title… Upsides, plural. I just named one. Sorry…

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