I call it the glitch in the universe. Because the Law of Attraction is usually referenced when good stuff happens to people, allegedly because they have “attracted” it into their lives from positive thinking. But you know what? It works the other way ’round just as well! (Supporters of magical/delusional thinking will take this for “proof” for the existance of such a law, when it is merely people responding to other people in the most archaic ways there could be. Nothing mysterious about that, if you asked me, Prof. “Paranormal”).
So I go to see this musician, scriptwriting, movie-directing, producing semi-friend on the other side of the hill between the lake in my village and the bigger lake on the other side. There was a standing open invitation to come by and see him and yesterday afternoon, after more than a week of car woes, it worked out and I was able to blend it in after a photo walk along the lake shore. I had picked up doughnuts, because I hate to come empty-handed to other people’s houses. Not that he paid them much attention, but anyway. So I get there and he already got company, which I knew of prior to this. They’re in the middle of a conversation that usually revolves around him and past accomplishments or currently ongoing projects and such. I don’t mind successful people tooting their horn as long as it’s done in not too pushy a manner. Which it was not, so I was fine. Besides, writing client success stories for the corporations I had been working for in my previous career was part of the job. So it’s known territory, in a manner of speaking. And territory I usually find quite interesting, as long as it’s got to do with some creative artform or something I’m interested in as well. He introduces me to a lady I gather to be about my age, we have coffee and he’s talking about his children starting careers of their own, both in conventional walks of life as well as in the arts.
We split about an hour and a half later and the lady asks me for a lift, which I give her after doing a quick calculation on gas and remaining money for the month (I get by with no more than about 120,- EUR/150,- $ at my personal disposal for food, drinks, electricity, gas, medication and other unexpected expense. Needless to say this doesn’t work out and at most times it can be one or the other…). The small talk in the car revolves around our host and how he tends to overload people with information from being hyperactive and slightly self-consumed with his manifold of projects. I understand this as a creative mind is always on and never stops, much less so for mundane considerations like e.g. the attention capacity of the average person – or their daily challenges as such. She expresses her being slightly flooded with information and his energy and abruptly suggests to go for a night cap at the destination. I had already ruled out attending an open night downtown, so I let her know that I don’t have to be anywhere. Mere seconds later, she dismisses the idea on account of still being slightly exhausted from the previous meeting. Fine by me, I say, so I’ll just drop you off. Since we had briefly brushed past my own musical activity, I suggest to play her my tunes on the car stereo, but apparently, that is still too much information. O.K., nevermind.
I then get informed with what she’s been through the past year and how she’s hit the hard time herself. At this point, I’m almost chuckling out loud. I mean, seriously: I barely get along with myself – I actually don’t and I’m scheduled for hospital – and of all things, here’s another downer story of personal tragedy, letdowns and whatnot. This time about terminal illness and untimely death of a family member and I immediately have to think of my aunt, who is terminally ill with five gruelling illnesses, each of which is a ticking time-bomb in itsself in more or less horrific ways. See what I mean by “works in both ways?” What is it with that? Do I have “loser” tattoed to my forehead in bright letters? Of all times that I could have seen this guy, I show up today when I meet yet someone else who’s going through a rough time?
I don’t think there’s anything “human” or romantic or wonderful about that. It sucks ass like barely anything does! What pinhead coined the expression “a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved?” For it isn’t! It’s sorrow doubled and if you must talk esoteric neo-hoodoo, then it’s frequencies doubled in amplitude! Where exactly do you see the “halving” of it? (Which is why I hate esoteric gibberish so much, as it’s never conclusive and contradictive of its own postulates from square one to none!) So, if there was such a thing as “law of attraction” or “attraction of likes”, I call it a glitch in the overall make of the universe (and I’m not necessarily all that open to the idea of “design”, masterplan, intelligent creator or any such thing humans tend to make up in order to not have to face the overwhelming insignificance and solitude of our existance…)
Hours after I had gotten home and made myself comfortable in the little hide-out I found for myself, I knew right away that I wasn’t really up to extending this encounter – and expressed it towards that particular person right away. I played the sicko card as bluntly as I manage to – but to my surprise, it didn’t have the anticipated, experienced effect of “get lost quick and don’t get any more of you on me”. Quite on the contrary. Which – makes me feel even worse about myself than I do for the larger part of the time. I think, over the years and from a host of relationships having started out on the wrong foot and expectably having gone awry in the process, I have ultimately developed a sense of self-protection from even more harm. And this here? Textbook emotional exploitation in the making! Like “Oh, so you’ve been depressed? Aw, nevermind it – I’m more depressed/desperate/delusional/disillusioned/toxic, so we’ll just work out fine”. No, thanks. I don’t really believe in fighting fire with fire or any such thing. Nor do I believe in “group therapy”, be it in a formal setting with clinic, doctors, co-patients or “out in the field”, where lunatics of varying degrees roam free, some even become pretty successful when living their lunacies in a business environment.
I have understood that I’m not a winner and most likely never will be one of them. I lack the personality as well as background for it – and after 48 years of having been around, I’m firmly convinced, you need both. What I have trouble with – and always had – is settling for less. Why settle in the first place? It’s just another concealed formula of systematic unfairness, where bullies tell the rest their place. Fuck that! I’ve got nothing to lose, so I’m no longer vulnerable to that kind of manipulation by fear.
Anyway and whatever. I better make sure I’ll draw a thick red line with that peculiar encounter of the “sad kind”. And quickly und unmistakeably so!