Ah! Finally! I’ve figured it out! The roadblock, the feeling stuck and inhibited – I think, I’ve got it figured out! Is it a relief? Not yet. Not until I find a habitat, where this finding and applying it is not considered an ineptness. The finding being and that wind that got knocked out of me? I refuse to compete any more. To be ambitious. To be better than others on the playing field. Or to be exact: I can’t stomach taking risks any more. Over and out. Burnt out on that one. Too many frustrations, too many setbacks and low blows. I’ve had it. I simply can’t, can’t, can’t risk taking another blow in the private parts any more as it feels as if there have been nothing but that. The L-word is probably accurate in this context. Afraid, that’s all it boils down to: I’ve allowed “them” to make me a loser one too many times. And now I don’t feel like getting up another time after having gotten knocked down just one too many times. You know what? Fuck you all! Fuck ambition, fuck competitive environments, fuck the very mindset all this bullshit is built on! And fuck everyone and their dog, who have subscribed to it! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! If I don’t get to have a place without needing to watch my back all the fucking time, then you don’t deserve to have me. Period. I’m giving myself permission to be a snob like that and for you right there. I couldn’t care less. Y’all wanna play unfair? Be my guest, I can’t be bothered any more. You enjoy cheating on each other all the freaggin’ time? Go right ahead, but spare me. And do your crap silently and where I can’t see it, will ya? Arrrggghhhh!!! That’s it! That’s what I’ve been trying to find out when I’ve asked myself, what the fuck just happened and how it happened and when. Needing to prove oneself? Not for me anymore. I know where I stand with my talents and where I don’t stand. And that’s gotta do as far as information about me. Go play your shitty, petty games elsewhere and take all that trashy noise to a place, where I can’t see, hear, smell or feel it. Your crappy relationships and marriages, your money woes, your girlfriend/boyfriend/decorating/car-tuning/dieting crises, take ’em elsewhere please! For I-DON’T-GIVE-A-FLYING-FUCK about anything anymore! I’m done with this whooooole charade you people call life. It’s a mirage at best, which translates into nothing for me. A mirage is basically an illusion, so there you have it.
I’ve found a niche for myself. A habitat. Not very comfty, but comfty enough for now. I don’t need to know about anything anymore as I’ve bottomed out from trying so hard to get my reality in sync with those of all of yours. I’ve done so silently and without much complaining so far. And what did I get for it? Being shunned, removed, singled out, ridiculed and hated on. Fine. You win. I’m out. Fuck y’all! Good night and better luck next time!