At the risk of coming across like I was stealing on a regular basis, but I can’t help but reblog Kimberly’s latest blog entry. It resonates so strongly with my own feelings and situation that I begin to feel like the forgotten twin to her. Wow. This is what it’s been like for me as well. I used to be so different from that – I’d kick myself in the behind and just MAKE a life for myself, taking my fears on and not allow them to control me like this. At this point in my life, I often feel as if I have burnt all fuel I ever had on being in denial over my fears. For I am really no longer too convinced that there can be much “institutionalized” help that goes beyond what I had been doing all along in the past 25+ years. After all, I had sort of a life, a career (two or three, when I think about it), a marriage, vacations and whatnot. Right now, I’m impoverished and reduced to not much more than survival. Ouch…
I could go somewhere else… but I am afraid.
I could do more for myself, get out into life again… but I am paralyzed with fears.
I know some of what frightens me, but not all of it. That is the biggest fear of all… what would trigger me to fall apart again if I went out into the world? I wish I could just find what is wrong with me and fix it.
Sometimes I think that I am mostly afraid of myself because I let myself become broken. There is nothing really that anyone else can do to me that is worse than what I have done to myself.
I fear that if I let myself go back into a real life, I will just hurt again. I would let myself love the wrong person, or be loved the wrong way, or lose myself to what someone else…
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