I Think, Losing Your Dreams…

… is the worst loss of all. A loved one, a parent, a relative, a pet – when you lose them, there’s always someone to console you and help you through those tough times. But your dreams – are only known to yourself. No other person can relate 100%, hence they can’t understand, can’t console. Losing your dreams equals your soul starting to die.

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Redefining Oneself


“I am redefining myself”, people sometimes say when one walk of life or one career path ends and the new one isn’t in sight just yet.

I’ve always wondered what people meant when uttering this statement. For: How do you go about that, i.e. re-defining yourself? What aspects of you are at stake and can be voluntarily redefined? Is such a thing possible at all? (Yes, says this gentleman)

Off of the top of my head I’d say, identity is at stake to an extent. Which begs the next deeper question: Exactly what is this phenomenon called “I-dentity”? Wikipedia has this to say about this concept. In their article, I find this finding particularly valuable – and conclusive, if I might add:

Sociology places some explanatory weight on the concept of role-behavior. The notion of identity negotiation may arise from the learning of social roles through personal experience. Identity negotiation is a process in which a person negotiates with society at large regarding the meaning of his or her identity.

“…in which a person negotiates with society at large regarding the meaning of his or her identity.”

Interesting. So now – and quite “impromptu” (=all of a sudden), though -, identity is no longer about what _I_ think as to who I am. Now it is about them and what they think I represent? Did I get this right? So, wouldn’t it then be technically more appropriate to call it “we-dentity”? Or rather: “Them-dentity”? Naw. I agree. Doesn’t sound good. Doesn’t sound good at all. OK. So for now and for the record: Wikipedia abruptly makes “I-dentity” into “I – plus more.” Huh! I never saw this coming!

Now: Be this true or not – at the very least it offers – me, personally! – a very handy explanation as to why it is I’ve been feeling so alienated from everything and pretty much everybody (with another particular stress on “body“. Sorry, John Mayer! I took your breakthrough song and shrunk it to the size of the singularity for no other reason than to serve my personal micro-nano-super-small-scale purposes when I should know better than that… particularly when considering that I’m a “string-“slinger” myself…[Psssss: Will do better in the future! [[NOT!!!]] ])

So, sociology posits the societal role someone embodies when negotiating identity at large. The “I-thing” somehow became a “we-thing” or rather “them-thing” along the way. And them decide over who I am? Am I following this right for just now?

If I did: I currently play no role in society (other than being a burden) – where does that leave me, sociologists? Nowhere? For real, now? (That was a rhetorical one. I know-know that I’m currently nowhere, o.k.? Thanks, no thanks!). No role, no place in society. Got it! (Socioligists? You weren’t exactly helping. Can I say this without sounding too rude?!)

Psychologists most commonly use the term “identity” to describe personal identity, or the idiosyncratic things that make a person unique. Meanwhile, sociologists often use the term to describe social identity, or the collection of group memberships that define the individual. However, these uses are not proprietary, and each discipline may use either concept and each discipline may combine both concepts when considering a person’s “identity”.

“… most commonly use the term “identity” to describe personal identity.” Ah…. huh!!!! “Personal” as opposed to …. what?! “Collective” identity? (Yay!!! I got this one right, at least!) But still… uhm… collective and at… the… same…time… “unique”? Can I just say: We’re not getting anywhere with this, aren’t we?

Finally, we might be gettin’ somewhere:

Another issue of interest in social psychology is related to the notion that there are certain identity formation strategies which a person may use to adapt to the social world.

Aha!! And they go on to describe “archetypes” such as e.g. the Refuser, the Drifter (uhh… sounds like I might like him! 🙂 ), the Searcher, the Guardian (shut up! Had my fair share of “Good Samaritians” in the sack! Hint: DON’T!!!!) and – drum roll – the RESOLVER! (“Accepts personal skills and competencies and uses them actively”).

Was it too obnoxiously self-flattering to say that I’ve been living my life like this? Even a long time before knowing I had C-PTSD working against this approach and idea almost from day one?

Back on the topic at hand: THAT – i.e. the “Resolver” – was the role I had been adopting ever since finding that I’m different. And different for no reason of my own choosing. And then that role fell apart. Or I did. Or … oh, goddamn, fuck all this “I”-dentity business altogether!

Now – anyone got a “redefining myself” blueprint somewhere at hand? And can spare one for an early impoverished, but still clean and headstrong boy? Thank you. Really.

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“And so I Radiate Love”

I knew he had contracted skin cancer a while ago. They removed the bits from his nose. Skin cancer. A late “postcard” from his time in New Mexico in the late 60ies, early 70ies with massive UV radiation all over the place and taking pictures in some of the nuclear bomb test sites. That and UV reflecting back from the “White Sands”. Guess, that could have anyone done in, much more so a fair-skinned European. Even some 50 years later. Our skin has a memory of its own, I hear. Doesn’t take things easy on “over-radiating”…

Doctors thought they had it in check. That is – until three massive tumors showed up around his neck. “Your body has created a recipé for cancer from the skin cancer”, said the oncologist. I think I can see George scoff upon this very unscientific assessment. Treatment: Cut half his head off to remove the tumors, stitch him back up and – hoping for the best. At age 92. I suspect love to have gotten him so far. His wife’s love who stood by him for 66+ years. Spent time knitting while he was busy squeezing the last bit of horsepower out of his race-grade tuned motorcycles – and racing them and winning, too! (on a shoestring, as he called it himself). Love got ’em a good while further – almost until her 93rd birthday and some way past his 93rd one. Beloved, beautiful wife passed only days shy of her 93rd birthday – which clearly must have broken his big heart. Would have cut mine into a gazillion pieces from only looking at her, let alone getting to spend every waking and sleeping hour with her.

And then: Tumors removed, some permanent malfunction to the facial nerve from that, wife dies, gets buried. And now: Brain tumors! “It’s big,”, he went upon sharing the news with me out of the proverbial blue one late Friday afternoon. WTF?! I’m up to my ears with crap myself and you pester me with your little dying episode? No. Of course, not. It was my way of not going crazy from hearing it.

Couple of weeks later… we lost him. I have been a lousy friend in your remaining weeks, George. Hope, you’ll forgive me one day. R.I.P., brother!

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The more I hear and read about NDEs, the more convinced I become that they’re really just a by-product of acute physical and emotional stress in the face of getting annihilated. Understandably, for some. Personally, I seem to learn more and more towards the idea that going back to non-being and thus to unawareness holds an aspect of relief I seem to begin to treasure. Just my 2 cents.

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Resonating With Other People

Recently, a new therapist enlightened me on the fact – oooh, drumroll, newsflash! – that much of human connection hinges on feeling resonance. We didn’t go into detail as to the specifics of what this very ambigious, poorly defined term that is very much en vogue in New Age circles actually means. But I’d like to state that I’ve heard it before – resonance, I mean – and so played along with that concept while displaying what I thought to come out as an understanding face.

Resonance. Let me try to define it according to what I’ve gathered so far: You feel in resonance with other people when the nature of mutual experiences and their emotional outcomes in each of the conversants match. No? I look forward to your comments corroborating or arguing the idea. But for now, let’s just employ this concept as a working idea, shall we?

OK. Experiences plus emotional outcome(s). Let’s break that down for a sec: Experiences. Let’s be easy and say: Common experiences. Experiences “everyone” goes through at some point in their lives. You with me? Let’s try and find one: How about – school? Ah! Yeah. Most people – in the western world at least – have attended school, right? No? Beginning to see my point? Maybe no. Then …. how can you resonate with anyone who’s been attending school as if it was a given?

Next: Emotional outcome. Aha! Now, there’s some common ground, right? As we all experience emotional states. And those tend to run a sort of predefined gamut. No? Ha! Again: See my point?

Resonance, my fucking ass. As a trauma survivor you’ll be hard pressed to find any-effin’-single-one person who even has the beginning of an idea as to what that trauma actually encompasses, let alone feels like. However – somehow having survived the agony that trauma leaves behind is the first “off-the-mark” phenomenon many of us were forced to learn to navigate in order to…. well, yes: Survive. Sometimes very verbatim as in: Physically. Sometimes “only” emotionally (quotes because science e.g. know of the “broken heart syndrome”. Not a syndrome at all, but a real physical response to what goes on in your life). My point: YOU CAN’T RESONATE WITH THE BULK OF MAINSTREAM as their lives have ZERO semblance with ours!

I’m taking liberty to place the concept of resonance with where the rest of unfruitful concepts already reside, the latter of which so many – well meaning, though, gotta give ’em that – “experts” tried to shove down my throat. (I have a very… nasty … idea as to what enacting the reverse of that concept might entail…. 3:) )

Your take?

P.S. Very much politically-incorrect encore (and fun): I’ll gladly – no sarcasm, intended, I mean it – listen to a – say – Holocaust survivor and their take on feeling resonance. Maybe I should do that exact thing: Find me a still living Holocaust survivor and listen to them as to how they managed to overcome their experiences. In my book, noone can be an expert on anything unless… they lived their field of expertise in their own flesh and blood. The rest? Imposters. With a state-approved paper in their pocket. Con-artists, actually.

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Glimpses of the Life I Missed Out On

It’s the most bizarre experience next to the NDE at age four: I’m back in my home town, even back under the roof where I grew up. I’m seeing old friends and making new ones. We’re on the verge of summer. I feel my body for the first time. I’m getting glimpses of what life could have – should have – felt like: Innocent. Unencumbered. Carefree. Sensual. I’m feeling my body for the first time in a way I have never felt it before. All I’ve ever felt was distress, anguish, allergies, physical discomfort to the n-th degree. And now there is the promise of summer upon us, upon me, with scents so manifold, so tempting, so sweet I never even had an idea that all this existed. Life …. is – or let’s say can be – one ongoing sensation of sensuality with each following sensation trumping the previous one. It truly is a miracle, a gift, one I had no idea existed.

How bizarre. I’ve lived to see half a century. And haven’t lived at all. Until now. (Hopefully).

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The Power of Singing as in: Feeling your Body Resonate

Wow. I was not prepared for this….

Context: I’ve “always” played musical instruments for as long as I can think back. I was playing in several bands during my High School years, had a brief stint as professional musician in my early twens, released a couple of tracks I had written, recorded and produced on my own in more recent years. And in those bands I had appeared with, I had also always been a lead singer and background vocalist while playing my instruments on stage. So let’s just say: My body knows music. In case your attention starts to wander away because you might feel you’re not a musical person at all: Bear with me – and yourself – for a little while longer. We’ll get to it in a minute.

Regular visitors to this blog will know that I have traversed the dark night of the soul various times in recent years and since having started this blog. I have experienced loooooong bouts of utter depression, hopelessness, despair, red rage – the whole gamut of negative emotions, you might say. These negative emotions ran at an intensity that they sometimes even managed to cancel out the musical vibe in me altogether. There were days I laid my hands on the guitar and started playing a song I had always enjoyed and it felt like a mechanical exercise. Now, singing? I couldn’t even begin to think about pulling the strength to take a breath deep enough that it would move the respiratory tract hard enough to have my vocal chords resonate strongly enough to carry a tone, let alone a tune. In fact, when you’re deeply depressed, your vocal volume is reduced, there is sluggish articulation and other parameters indicating a profound change in mood. So singing was pretty much out of the picture. For good, I thought.

However, I sometimes muster this flurry of desperate activity when being despondent enough. It’s almost like tricking myself away from killing myself. One such bout of activity had me attend a “meet the board/school” day with the local musical school training professional music educators. Their targeted age group is between 18 and maybe some 25 years of age. People my age showing up there were – the parent(s)! But when you’re desperate enough, you’ll try to make anything work, right? Right. So I’m outing myself right in the first session boldly going “How about this program as a later in life second kinda career decision? (And in front of a room of about 100 people) Immediate silence from all the ADD-prone 15-somethings around me with their Moms and Dads sitting somewhere at the back of the room, so the former would get to put their cool on – and wear it, too! Another male looking my age blurting out after me “Yeah, what about it?!” Good thing to learn that the school’s principal seemed to be a seasoned orator as he didn’t fall flat on his back right away. Anyway, I’m digressing – as usual.

Singing – what about it? Long story short, after having spent an afternoon between eager teens and very proud parents along with my new friend who apparently finds himself in a similar situation as I, I felt inclined to audition for them. And that’s where we tie back into the singing thingy: I auditioned for the guitar coach first on a separate day. As the vocal coach offered me to see him on that same day, I agreed on having a preparatory talk with him. Turns out he auditioned me anyways, unprepared, unpracticed, unwilling and all. And that’s where things got interesting: After years of being down on myself, years of ending the day wishing and praying not to wake up the next day, years of humiliation, years of facing homelessness more than once, years of writing my own version of the Book of Jobe, after all this – I started to feel something again! In fact, I felt no more than a simple physical sensation, which is that of the air column standing between your vocal chords, travelling past your laryngeal, tipping its hat to the chest area and the respiratory tract, then reaching all the way down into your stomach – while your upper cavities in the head, near the nose and at the back of your throat help mold the sound that’s coming out of your mouth – wow! And then some! Right there – I transformed into a better version of me, a more confident, self-assured one, the one I remember having been in younger years, regardless of childhood trauma and C-PTSD outcomes I have been living with forever. Right there – I was nothing but a resonating physical vessel, being put on earth for no other reason than – singing a few notes at the prompt of the vocal coach.

My point being: Singing will transform you! You don’t think you’re musical? Who cares? Sing anyway!!! You can’t carry a tune? Nobody gives a shit! Sing anyway! Intonation, dynamics, remembering lyrics – you’re all poor on those three? Fuck it. Sing anyways! Why? It is going to save.your.life! And I mean it. It is likely to save mine. And yours, too – I hope?

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Counterproof for Life “After” Death?

Have you found one? If so, please kindly share. In the past 10 years there is exactly one single reason for not having taken my own life: That I can’t prove that I’ll find myself in a different and worse place after the fact/act. I can’t rule it out as there hasn’t been proof nor counterproof. But I am so utterly done. Done. Done. Done. I’m ready to go. I have been ready forever. There are people for exactly one reason: To hurt and maime you, to keep hurting and torturing you any fucking way they can. What a fucking mess this life is!

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